Just Some Girl

And it all comes tumbling down

2009-10-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

They say time heals all wounds, and perhaps that is true. But tonight as I sit here and cry, I hope and pray that it doesn't take the rest of my life for time to heal the pain my heart and soul is enduring. I can't endure that much time of this pain. I am not strong enough for all of that. As hard as I try to be strong, tonight I realize that most of it is one big facade. I can't believe that I am even going through this. I can't even believe that this is my life.

Nearly 7 years ago, I met the man I thought was my soul mate. And I gave him my heart. And now he doesn't want it. Yet for some reason I can't take it back. I have tried to think that maybe he never had it, but on nights like tonight, I realize that wherever he is, it's still in his hands. And try as I may to hate him after all that has been said and done. I can't, because deep down inside I know that he truly was my "one". And I know that no matter where I go in life, I will never meet another man that I love half as much as I loved him. And in all that time, I guess he never knew how much I loved him. Or maybe he did, he just quit caring at some point. I wish I would have known...I would have died trying to fix it. I guess nothing is forever, even when we believe with all of heart that it will be.

The day it all ended, I took him to work. Had I known that morning would have been our last kiss, I would have kissed him longer and held him tighter. And the next morning he gave me a hug when he dropped me off, and I was so hurt and angry with him that it was only a half assed hug. I didn't realize he was serious and that would be the last hug I ever got from him. And even still, I long for his hugs, because they always made me feel better when I felt my worst. Like tonight.

And now I have this beautiful baby girl, who is growing up so fast. And she doesn't have her parents together anymore. And tonight we are sitting in the kitchen listening to music and dancing and she points to the window and says "Daddy". And I realize that in someway that she probably doesn't even understand, it hurts her too. She doesn't get to see her Daddy everyday like she used to, and she doesn't even know why.

No matter how hard I try, nothing takes away the pain...

Tears

2009-08-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just have a day when you want to cry? That seems to be me a lot these days. There is so much I have gone through in my life, so much I have yet to accomplish and yet things I have accomplished that I never thought would happen. I have a wonderful daughter, a loving husband, ok a pretty shitty job, a good home, and overall a good life. And yet here I sit, a negative nelly. Ok, I am not always like this, but sometimes, more often only in my head, I ponder all the things that make me just want to bawl like a baby. It's pathetic. I am really starting to think I am pathetic. AND YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF??????????? I can't freakin' write anymore! Oh how the words used to flow from my brain to my fingers like fire! And now, it all just sounds so fucking stupid! I miss being able to communicate the way I feel with words, and with poetry. Oh how I used to write so many poems. It was such an outlet for me. I don't know what the problem is, but I just can't seem to find the words I ever want to say anymore. And I have so many jacked up feelings and thoughts in my head!

So since I just can't seem to write for shit these days, I will leave you with one of my absolute most favorite poems I have ever written. I wrote this when I was in a terribly abusive marriage, I was broken, I was lost, and I was alone. And yet, even now when my life is so much more fulfilled it is still something that I can absolutely relate to. Crazy huh?

Slumbering Suicide

Sleep a hard won prize this night
With a heart in turmoil
A mind in a rage
And a body exhausted

Dreams were willed to come
Welcoming sweet fantasy
An abyss of solitude
Among a midnight slumber

But where do you find this
The endless sea of desire
To be known as a hallow ground
Of what can only be dreamt

And when you awake
You find only truths
Known to man as refuge
But seek not these fantasies

When only in sleep
You come to realize
The world awaiting
Is but a dream away

To wake or to sleep
For now or forever
To face these truths
Or live by desire

Only I can tell you
Who I am
By night or by day
When the world slips away

I begin to think I'm crazy
As I yearn for that slumber
Where I can lose myself
Free of reprecussion

But in truth remains
My life in reality
Is but a game
Played by the fool I am

So now I beg of thee
Just let me be
To sleep forever more
In the abyss I've created

©MPD

It's been awhile

2009-07-05T19:59:00.001-07:00

I am fairly certain that nobody reads me anymore, and I am fairly certain that I have been so quiet on feeds that I have been removed. But that's ok with me. I remember when blogging used to be one of my top priorities, and now it's something I vaguely think about, and rarely (if ever) actually do. But when I do think about it, I really miss it. Tonight is one of those nights. I miss the friendships I have made, I miss having the time to read through all the entries my friends have written. I miss taking the time to write my thoughts and feelings in my little place where it's more than ok to be myself. I miss my blog. And I would like to say that I am going to find the time to do these things, but I don't think that I will. Unfortunately, time is something I don't have a lot of in my life anymore. But that's ok too, at least it's filled with something wonderful! However, I do want to try to write in here more than every few months!

I guess what I am saying, and don't hold me to it, is that I am setting a goal for myself. To at the very least, attempt a couple of entries a month. And hopefully to keep on on the happenings of my friends through thier blogs! So wish me luck on that!

On Friday we are flying down to NC. I am looking forward to being in the mountains, and hopefully finding some time to reflect, and think. Franklin has a way of doing that to me. Going up to Wayah, and looking out over the world (at least that's how it feels when you are up there), and just feeling refreshed. That's the best part of Wayah, when you get to the top of that fire tower, something inside you just lets go of the negative and you are just overcome with such an amazing awe and peace. I can't wait to feel like that again! It gives me a feeling like I have never felt before when I am up there. And then getting to go up the Gorge. The waterfalls are so damn beautiful, and it's relaxing and energizing all at the same time. The rush of the water on the rocks, standing behind Dry Falls and watching the water fall fast and furiously to the river below. I am looking forward to the awe I will feel being back there in such a beautiful place. And getting to share it with my daughter. I think she will really enjoy it!

Hopefully it will inspire a great post when I get back! Or if my FAVORITE COFFEE SHOP EVER is till open, perhaps Jamie will watch Boog for a bit so I can get a Mocha Latte and just write my little heart out while listening to whatever live music is playing at the time! Gosh, I really hope Rathskellers is still open!

So there is my goal, and hopefully next week will be inspiring me towards it more! Until then, toodles!

My Life

2009-04-13T17:34:00.000-07:00

My life consists of dirty diapers, made up songs about putting PJ's on, catching her when she falls, reading board books, and a million other Mommy things I have to do. And I love every second of it! Daelyn is about to turn a year old, can you believe that? She walks now...WALKING! Everything has flown by in the past year and I am happy and sad all at the same time!

My life changed so much when I found out I was pregnant! And it changed even more when this perfect little angel came into my life and I was able to hold her and teach her. It's so amazing to TEACH your CHILD things! I teach kids...it's what I do...but to teach MY CHILD. There is NOTHING more amazing than that!

I am so enthralled with my life as a Mother...I wouldn't trade this for the world!

Happy New Year Folks!

2009-01-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

Well in case anyone was wondering, I am still very much alive! Yay for that, right? Sorry I am never around anymore...not only here, but at your blogs as well. I guess in the past 8 months I just haven't had the time. With work, life and of course my beautiful babygirl taking up my time...I just don't get on the computer much! I check myspace and email via my cell most of the time, and that's on my break at work. LOL!

Things are WONDERFUL in my life still! Daelyn is growing like a weed! I can't believe my baby is 8 months old...it still feels like yesterday that she was born. She amazes me everyday, I am not even kidding. Being a Mom is the thing I was meant for. I love my daughter more than anything in the entire universe! And she is starting to learn so much, the only word for it is amazing! I taught her how to clap last night, do you know how freakin' awesome that is? I taught MY DAUGHTER how to do SOMETHING! Ok, I have taught her how to wave too...but the clapping thing, it was much harder for her to get....and I taught her that! It's like my life is consumed by that little girl, and you know what? I am just fine with that. I am ok with being the kind of Mom who is always talking about and bragging about her child. She's my miracle baby, I never thought I was going to have a baby, and here I am as a Mommy! So yeah...Daelyn consumes my life, and she's most of what I talk about these days...even here in my blog. Hope that's ok!

I do want to do a really good post soon, and maybe when Jamie is in SC for work, YET AGAIN, in 2 weeks I will do that. Get my boog to sleep and just sit down and let it flow. Sounds like a plan. So until then, I hope you are all well, and I hope you all have the best that 2009 will bring!

Six Months

2008-11-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

It does not cease to amaze me everyday how 6 months can fly by right before your eyes. As my daughter has gone from a helpless newborn into a 6 month old, I realized that the moments we have had for the past 6 months have truly flown by. She went from sleeping all curled up on Mommy's chest to sitting up all by herself, talking up a storm, and becoming Lil Miss Independent! My baby is growing up so fast, and already at 6 months, I am just not ready for it! I realized that in less than 6 months my daughter will be a year old, walking, talking and becoming really independent!! But I got to admit, I love that my baby is developing such a personality, she is so amazing! And I love that she loves to play with me, and reaches up for me when I walk into a room, and that she is just growing into such an amazing little girl!

There is so much more I want to say...and I hope to get a moment to do so soon...but for now it's time to get my little Boog all snug as a bug and ready for bed! And my laptop is about to die. But I will leave you with this...my baby at exactly 6 months...

Dusting off the cobwebs....

2008-08-03T18:24:00.001-07:00

See that beautiful face right there? That is my reason for living!! There is nothing more amazing in this world than being her Mommy!! Isn't she absolutely beautiful? I know I am partial because I am her Mommy, but I just can't help it!! This little girl amazes me absolutely every single day! I can't believe my baby is already 3 months old! I wish you guys could see her, she laughs, she smiles, she tries to talk, she tries to sit up, she's so smart and she's going to blow us away for the rest of our lives, I can tell you that right now! This little girl was born with so much personality, and everyday it shines through more and more!! Her eyes...they are so beautiful, in the sunlight they almost look purple! I just can't help raving about this little girl, I love her so much!

If there is any one accomplishment I ever want to make in this world, it's to be the best Mom ever!! She is so important to me, I never knew how wonderful life could be until she was born. It makes everything else seem so beautiful and wonderful, not just her!

Things here are good, as if you can't tell...how could they not be good with that face to look at everyday!! Anyway, Daelyn turned 3 months on August 1st. I have been working since she was 6 weeks, but only part time, I go back full time tomorrow. I am not looking forward to that, I love my afternoons with Daelyn. That's our Mommy and Me time. I am going to miss that like crazy!

Jamie is an amazing father!! I don't know whose eyes light up more when they are playing together, his or hers. She is definitely a well loved baby!

Everything is going really well in life right now. Jamie may have to go to SC again next month, and I am really bummed about that. But other than that, life is good. I don't really have much to blog about, unless it's about Daelyn because she is my whole world right now!! I don't know what else to talk about but her! =)

Hope you are all well (provided anyone even comes here anymore! LOL!) and I hope to update you all again soon!

She is taking up my time!

2008-05-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

But can you blame me? Sorry I am not posting/or commenting much in your blogs. My internet time is so rare these days! And when I am on, it's usually to add a gazillion photos of Daelyn to my Myspace! And hey, if you read me, you have a myspace, and you want to be added to mine...this is my url...http://www.myspace.com/jamiegracie. Feel free to add me, I have TONS of pics of Daelyn on there, and I am constantly adding more! =))

Oh and let me tell you something...........I LOVE THIS LITTLE GIRL SO MUCH!! She is absolutely amazing!!

Happy Mother's Day to me!!

2008-05-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated...I have tried a few times...but then I get distracted by her...

Yes folks...this is my beautiful, amazing, wonderful, perfect daughter! Daelyn was born on May 1st weighing in at 8 lbs and 20 inches long! We had some issues getting her into the world, but we managed!

They started me that morning with breaking my water and putting me on Pitocin, which induces contractions. Well...they had me contracting every 1 to 3 minutes for 7 hours. I finally took the epidural because I was throwing up, I had a really bad cold, had 2 hours of sleep (thanks to the cough), and I wasn't progressing very far. Good call on my part because an hour later I was being rushed into emergency c-section!

Long story short...I would have never been able to have a regular delivery anyway...she was posterior (read: facing the wrong way) and the cord was wrapped around her neck twice....hence her heart rate dropping so low when I would have a contraction.

But alas, she was here, and she was P E R F E C T!!! I am not kidding, as you can see....she is BEAUTIFUL!!!

I am absolutely and completely in love with this little girl! She amazes me everyday!!! She is truly the greatest thing to come into my life, she is my greatest accomplishment!!! And she is a GREAT BABY!!!! I am so happy she is finally here!!

Don't expect many updates from me in the near future, this gorgeous little dollface is a huge distraction for me, even when she's asleep!! Hehe! I will leave you with some more pics of my beautiful, gorgeous daughter!

And even though I look like hell in this picture because I had just had major surgery and was spending days in the hospital...it's still one of my favorite pictures...me with the loves of my life...

Still Pregnant...

2008-04-25T20:14:00.001-07:00

Four days left until my due date...and I don't think she is gonna come out then either! Yup, I am still pregnant...very pregnant...very uncomfortably pregnant! And if she isn't here by Tuesday I will be scheduled to be induced at the end of the week. So either way, I will not be pregnant by the end of next week. I would like to not be pregnant by the end of this week, but that didn't happen! Although we thought it was, it was a false alarm...DAMMIT! Hehe!

Just thought you all should know, I am still here, and still pregnant! Tomorrow I will try to post some pics of the nursery for you guys! Cross your fingers that Daelyn decides to come out eventually.

From Very Pregnant Land...

2008-04-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

...to your PC, letting you know that I have 28 (well this day is almost over, so 27) freakin' days left!!!!!!! She's almost here folks! I am so excited and so overwhelmed with fear, I can't think straight! LOL!

It's Almost Time...

2008-03-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

Just 31 days left until my due date...31 days! Wow!

I have a baby shower at work tomorrow, one of the girls is throwing it for me...and then next weekend I have my shower given to me by my best friend E, my Mom, and my Step-Mom. I can't wait!

And then...soon after...Daelyn Elise will be here! And frankly I cannot wait to hold her in my arms!

Man oh man am I nervous! And frankly she can come anytime now, so I promise to return here in the midst of chaos that occurs when you have a child, and let you all know when she arrives! And I will probably even put a picture of the little princess on here too! And then when the chaos settles, I am sure I will be driving you all mad with pictures!

Holy shite! I am about to be a MOTHER!!!!!

Happiness is...

2008-03-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

See the mood to blog has struck yet again. I just wanted to share my happiness from today...it was a damn good day!!!!

Happiness is...coming home after getting off early (yay!!) to find that your husband
took time out of his work day to drive to a department
store that's about a 50 minute round trip, just to buy you something
to help you sleep better at night!! I came home today to find this wonderful
thing sitting on the bed with a note saying he thought it might help me
sleep more comfortably....my husband is awesome!

Happiness is...getting off early and getting a spa pedicure!!! I had to
go get fingerprinted for work today, so they
let me go at 1. I normally get off at 5:15. I came home and asked E
if she would like to roll across the river to the big city with me, while I got my prints done.
She said sure, and she needed to stop and get her nails filled, and it was right across from
where we would be. We walked in and I decided to get a pedi! Ahhh, talk about wonderful!
I sent Jamie a text telling him I was getting one and he told me to go for it, I deserve it! He rocks!! Seriously!! So here is my pedi happiness...

Happiness is...Dove Chocolates! They have the best messages in them. And the Valentine heart ones always have messages that the regular ones don't. I got a bunch of the hearts from
my secret pal at work over the week of Valentines, and when I opened this one, I HAD
to put it up on my inspiration board in my scrap area. It's the ONLY one I have ever gotten
with this message, and I absolutely love it!

Happiness is...the fact that I am going to take a nice relaxing bubble bath, and then
climb into the bed with my amazing husband for some "us" time. I love nights when we get the
chance to go to bed early, it gives us time to lay in the bed and talk, and giggle, and laugh, and of course plan for our future. And of course it gives us time to feel Daelyn get moving, as she always does when I lay down! LOL!

Today I am happy!! Today was a great day!!

Exhausted

2008-03-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

The word of the day...week...month...is exhausted. That's me in a nutshell folks! Which would explain my lack of blogging, my lack of commenting, my lack of anything. (Daelyn says hi btw...I start blogging, she starts moving around like crazy...she is my daughter! Hehe!) I can't sleep very much these days...and it's going to get worse before it gets better.

So here it is. I can't find anything insightful to write about. My blog is a total snooze-fest, and that's when I actually find the time to post something, anything, in here. So I am gonna put it out here like this. I may write, I may not. I may one day get inspired to come here and jot down a ton of thoughts, or I may never write in here again. I don't know....I guess that's up to the fates.

Frankly I have sat back, read my friends' blogs, and asked myself why the hell I even blog. The stuff my friends' write is witty, it's insightful, it's heartfelt. I feel like my blog lacks the stuff that all the other blogs out there have. Not that I blog for anyone but me, but you know what I mean. Why blog if it isn't going to be interesting to people? If it's for me, I have a paper/pen journal to write in...or I can journal on my computer (ease of typing as opposed to writing! LOL)...I blog, publicly, for a reason. And that reason just doesn't seem like much, I am not interesting!! I don't write with the ability that others do. Hell, half the people I read can write a post that's so short, yet I feel like I left with something. My blog doesn't make me feel like people are leaving with anything.

So I guess what I am saying is, if I feel there is something worth writing about, I might come in and type it out. I just don't know. Until then...toodles!

PS...this doesn't mean I will stop reading everyone else....just remember that I am about to pop out a little girl who will be taking up much of my time and might not be around as often! LOL!

Simple Sundays

2008-03-02T19:22:00.001-08:00

I have a post for this, but it requires videos and/or pictures from today, and they are on my camera, and after the long day we had having fun, I am too tired to upload and edit.

But for now I will tell you what we did, briefly as the shower is calling to me, and I am exhausted and I still have to do a lesson plan for this week for work.

Today was our annual family trip to Snowstar Ski (Snow) Park, whatever they call it. They have a website, I am too lazy to link it. Anyway, it was a blast. I couldn't do the tubing (that's what we do every year, do the tubing hill), but it was still great to spend the day with my family and watch them have a great time!!

The trip home was pretty funny as we had 3 vehicles, had to drive through a flooded street, and found out the interstate we took up there was flooded by the time we were ready to head home. We found this out as we got to the ramp for it, and it was closed. Good thing for my brothers GPS system! LOL!! It was like almost 70 degrees today (they make their own snow at Snowstar), and it's right by the Mississippi river. Well needless to say, everything thawed out while we were oblivious and having fun, therefore causing much flooding and detouring our trip home! Funny stuff!

Pictures to come tomorrow. Want to play? Simple Sundays. Will update with the pics and vids tomorrow!

Why Hello....

2008-02-18T17:42:00.000-08:00

Oh, I am not lost, just so you know. I bet you wonder why the crickets have been chirping up in here, sorry about that. I am just so damn tired lately I don't want to do much of anything except play on myspace or look at scrapbooking stuff. But I do have a baby update, and I can't leave you all out in the dark on that now can I?

Got another sono today (which I still haven't scanned, sorry) and she's still and most DEFINITELY a girl! Yay! And I won't make you suffer with not knowing the name any longer....ready? Daelyn Elise will be her name! Sorry I actually meant to come fill you in on that earlier! It's a combo of my best friend, my mom and my god-daughter, using all their middle names! LOL! I love it! And it's so beautiful, it just flows from my tongue.

She's doing great! Dr. B says she is perfect! I wish you could have seen what we saw today. Her little face (the picture doesn't do justice what we got to see live!) is so pretty! You can just tell she is beautiful! I know I am da Mommy, and I am partial, but she is! And we saw her little hands moving, she stretched and she waved at us with her foot, then her little feet seemed to be dancing! I have been saying for weeks she is going to be a dancer or a kickboxer! Hehe! She is right on schedule for 30 weeks, which is what I am tomorrow! Dr. B says she will be weighing in around 7.5 lbs when she is born. I am now on every 2 weeks for visits, which is crazy, that means I am so freakin' close!

Which brings me to baby shower...getting on that plan this weekend. And I need to start investing in baby stuff, we haven't done that yet either. Yikes! In reality she could be here anytime, so I really need to get on all of that!

Oh and the tired all the time thing. I have an iron deficiency now, so I am starting iron pills tomorrow, and hopefully that will help. I can barely make it through a day if I haven't taken a little power nap, and I am not sleeping well at night at all! So, hopefully this will regulate me out soon, although it can take weeks! BLAH!

Not much else to report on besides baby girl and all the joys of pregnancy! Valentine's Day was pretty chill, although I got an amazing card and 3 beautiful pink roses that Jamie delivered himself to me at work! That's because he rocks! It was just what I needed!

Work is stressing me out, but you will have that. I am the employee of the month for Feb, did I mention that yet in a post? No, ok well I am! I have never been employee of the month before, so it was quite an honor! They said nice things about me in the parent newsletter! It made me smile!

Oh yeah and before I forget, I have a totally new look on my hair! Yeah, but no pics yet because pregnancy is doing NOTHING for my skin, and I can't take a pic without the wonders of foundation, and other make-up! LOL! And I am just too damn tired for all that right now. Suffice it to say I got it all chopped off (and it's ADORABLE! I never say that after a haircut!) and it's brown/black now. It's hot though, at least Jamie thinks so! LOL!

Ok, I think that's it for now...but I will try to update more regularly ok? Cuz I am thinking after babygirl is born, it won't be happening nearly as often! Haha!

Simple Sundays

2008-01-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

I am really excited about this one! And of course, it's pregnancy related, as it always is! Hehe! But this one brings me so much joy!!!! I have been stressing hardcore over naming our daughter, we have picked names, but then the more I think about it, the less I like them. I have been hoping a name would jump out at me, and that we would LOVE LOVE LOVE it...and today, it happened. And it brought me so much pleasure that I smile when I think about the fact that she now has a name, and that when she comes into this world we won't still be trying to figure out that perfect name for her.

It's beautiful, it's unique, it's a combination name that brings a smile to 2 very important women in my life, and it is perfect!

And I bet you want to know what it is don't you????????

Well, as of now we aren't releasing that information to the world...LOL! But if you know me at all, I can't keep a surprise for long. So don't expect it to be under wraps for too long! LOL! But for now, we are enjoying it...and holding it dear to our hearts. You understand right? (I bet you are shaking your head saying, KELL, TELL US! Hehe).

My dear readers, please check out this great little Sunday writing prompt because it's a great way to start (or end depending on how you look at it) your week. And the way Mandy put it this week is so true...it's all about the moments. And in this moment...I can't quit smiling!

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!!

Simple Sundays

2008-01-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, I am still here! Sorry I haven't been writing much, I just can't seem to shake this funk I am in. One minute I am really super happy, and the next I am thinking of bad thing after bad thing and crying! I just don't know what's wrong with me...oh wait, yes I do! I am pregnant! LOL! Pregnancy makes for a crazy ass Kell! But, overall, I am doing ok. I have a husband who is trying his hardest to make sure of that!

So I have been scrapbooking, and making stuff trying to get a home based business up and going. Yup, me...starting my own little crafting business. It's still a lot of planning and work in progress...so we will see how this pans out. But scrapbooking...that brings me to my simple pleasure of the week...

Yesterday I went to Hobby Lobby and bought a bunch of scrapbooking papers, seeing as how they were having a huge paper sale. And I bought a LOT! So I got it all put away in my paper file holder. Tonight as I started scrapbooking (making my pregnancy journal), when I opened it to get out some paper, it smelled so good. Maybe it's a pregnancy thing, but I love the smell of my holder full of scrapbooking papers! Which led me to thinking about the fact that I am always inhaling deeply in the paper aisle of Hobby Lobby as well. Yeah, I think I have a paper huffing problem! LOL! But it smelled good, it made me smile, and it inspired me. Therefore becoming a simple pleasure!

I will try to update more often, I will try to get out of this funk, and I will try to get around and leave you all some bloggy love! If my scrap table will let me up! Hehe!!

Feelin' Funky

2008-01-14T19:45:00.000-08:00

It's amazing that each human being is capable of their own thoughts, their own private space with their own private secrets. Their mind...a vault of everything that makes them what they are. A place where you can privately have a conversation with yourself, work out problems, be silly, do anything you want without reprocussion because noone else knows about it. It's yours, all yours.

Yet, at the same time that very sacred place which can be wonderful and a nice escape from the world can also torment you. Where just a moment ago a happy thought swirled around, suddenly in from the corners creep that blackness that covers the dark thoughts that you attempt to push away daily. And then suddenly the next thing you know you are consumed with a negativity that's now filling your head, your heart, your body, and it's slowly creeping out into the world via your mouth...or perhaps your fingers.

Do I seem to being in a funk tonight? Because I feel like it! Ok, I don't only feel funky mentally, I am feeling kind of funky physically too. Yay...double whammy for me! Tonight I just seem to have all this negative emotion, and all these negative thoughts swirling around in my head. Like for instance I wish I was a cute pregnant chick like my step-sister. I am kind of resenting her because she gave my Dad his first Grand-Daughter, she has 3 kids, and as soon as I found out and was basking in the glory of finding out that soon I will be bringing in the youngest Grandchild, it turns out she is pregnant and due one month after me. Almost to the day I think. So, yeah, I am kind of bitter. I love her, don't get me wrong. I really do, but dammit, my daughter would have been my Dad's first Grand-Daughter. And dammit, I want to be cute and pregnant like her, not feel all frumpy and fat. I know this makes me sound selfish, but I can't explain how it. I have been a Daddy's girl my whole life...and now I have 2 step-sisters to compete with, I have for almost 9 years. Ok, I may be an adult, but it's still really hard to deal with that!

And then you have the fact that I had lost a shit-ton of weight, and was still losing it...and then I got pregnant. Ok, that's cool, for the first 4 and a half months I didn't put on much weight at all, now it seems like I am gaining a pound a day...and I can't figure it out. I am eating healthy, and I am not "eating for two", yet here comes all this weight. And when I get on the scale I want to cry because not only am I feeling horrible when I look in the mirror, but as I track what I am gaining it knocks me down 6 more pegs on the self-esteem level. Everyone wants to see belly pics on my myspace, and frankly I just can't do it, because I am not confident enough. All I really want to do is lock myself in my room and hide until I am not so damn hideous to look at, and until I feel better about myself. I am not a vain person, I honestly haven't had any kind of self-confidence since I was a kid, I mean prior to 5th grade. For the first time since then I was starting (and I am using that very lightly, but it was a beginning) to feel better about myself, and now I just feel ICKY about myself. I hate it when Jamie looks at me, because those negative thoughts in my head make me wonder...what's he really thinking when he looks at me?

So today, and for the past few weeks really, that's where my head has been...of course there and with a bunch of other stuff I don't feel like talking about. I just feel down...really really down. But on the bright side, everytime this little babygirl of mine moves about in there, I can't help my smile. She makes me happy, she really does. She is the light of my life, and I love her so much, and I know that she loves me no matter what. She always will...because a child's love is unconditional...at least until their older right? LOL! No matter how down in the dumps I feel, my daughter truly does amaze me. And I know she always will.

It's a..........

2008-01-07T18:35:00.001-08:00

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There it is...her girl parts! Yay!! The circles on the left are her knees, the circles on the right are her cute little butt cheeks! Thats' my girl, moonin' the world!

Her precious little spine!

Her beautiful face!

Her beautiful face again...and you can see her hand up above clenched up. She's perfect, amazing, wonderful, and I have never been so full of love like I am right now. It's an amazing feeling filling me up. I loved her the whole time, but it's just so strong today...so connected, I know that is my baby girl in there!! Ahhh, I start crying whenever I think about it!

Photo A Day

2008-01-05T17:23:00.001-08:00

Today's photo is a self portrait I took this morning for myspace of my new red hair!

My New Years

2008-01-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

So instead of hanging out at home, Jamie, E, L and I decided to roll about 2 miles from home and sing some karaoke! It was a blast, even if I was the only one who couldn't drink! LOL!! Enjoy the pics from our night out!

Photo A Day

2008-01-04T21:06:00.000-08:00

1-1-08 ~ My dry erase/bulletin board, actually the K's on it.
I need to decorate them, but I love them!

1-2-08 ~ My new favorite candle, E got it for me for Christmas cuz she loves me bunches!

1-3-08 ~ My curriculum for work...what I was doing last night.

1-4-08 ~ The bulletin board in our classroom that I also have been working on.

Happy Snow Year!

2007-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

This is what my world looks like right now, except with even more snow since I took this a half hour ago. LOL! Oh and my only resolution is to take at least one picture a day with my new camera! Even if I don't post it on my blog each day, (chances are there will be one day where I am posting 7 pics...LOL), I am still taking one each day.

Retrospect ~ The End of Another Year

2007-12-31T08:28:00.000-08:00

In 2007:

I did a lot of things I am not proud of
I gained a lot of maturity
I almost lost things that I hold very dear to my heart
I lost a very good friend to a battle with cancer
I lost friends for reasons even I still don't understand
I thought about lost friends, and missed them
I made new friends, valued friends
I got pregnant!!!!
I went back to working with children which I love
I fell in love with my husband again
I learned that even those with the best of intentions sometimes mess up, but you either have to learn to forgive (it's too hard to forget though) or you got to move on, but anything worth having is worth fighting for...so try to forgive
I gained a lot of strength
I realized that some battles just drone on and on, and it's better to just back up and let it all go, you feel so much better not carrying all that crap around on your shoulders
I also learned (especially at my last job!) that drama is pretty much everywhere, and you will always have a hater or two, and someone talking smack about you, but it's better to face it with grace and maturity than get down on other peoples levels and fight back like a teenager!
I learned nobody is invincible and just when you think it won't happen to you, guess what...it will!
I experienced quite a few things I hope to never experience again

So as I look back on 2007, this is what I do know, everything that has happened this year has made me the person I am today. And some of it wasn't all that great, some of it downright sucked, my heart was shattered once or twice, but it all made me stronger. And I am pretty damn proud of the woman I am today, on this last day of the year. I couldn't have said that at the beginning of this year, so it feels really good to say it now!

Here's to hoping 2008 is a great year (of course it will be for me, I am going to be a Mommy!!!), and that everyone is ending 2007 on a good note! Have a Happy New Year's and be SAFE!!!!

Simple Sundays

2007-12-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

My simple pleasure for the week was feeling the baby kick for the first time! It was so amazing! I have felt lots of flutters and movement inside, but never actually felt it kick through my belly before! And even better was the fact that Jamie got to feel it too! The baby put on quite a show for us Friday night, and we loved every second of it!

Feeling the baby kick my hand just made a whole new connection. Not that we aren't already connected, but it was different, my baby touched a part of me on the outside...I just can't explain it. I hope you know what I mean. LOL!

What's your Simple Sunday pleasure??

Gone and back again...

2007-12-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

First and foremost...I am kicked back on the loveseat...laptop propped on my belly and legs...and I am thinking maybe the baby likes the comp since he/she is moving around like mad crazy in there! In the past week all I have felt is flutters and somersaults in there...I think that's my best Christmas present.

Just got back from NC yesterday morning. Did I mention we were going? It was fun, a little odd, but maybe it was me. Although this....was the highlight of the trip. My beautiful niece Lydia. Isn't she the cutest thing you have ever seen? Ahhh, I love her...she loves me...it's awesome!

See that funny face she is making? Yeah, I so taught her that! Hehe!

So I ended up with 100 bucks from my Dad (for Jamie and I both of course), a new hair straightener, some really kick ass pink shades, smelly good stuff, a baby monitor, a baby blanket, a printer, a locket (from my wonderful husband, and it made my cry, it's beautiful!!!), and the latest Postsecret book, which I totally was stoked over. My man pays attention! LOL!

But you know what, all the things aside, I have everything I could ever ask for this Christmas, in my family, my friends, my baby, and my amazing husband! I am truly blessed! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!

Isn't that cute?

2007-12-18T16:47:00.001-08:00

I have anonymous assholes commenting on my blog! Looks like it's time to enable moderation to keep the dipshits out! Sorry guys!

ETA: To the anonymous asshole...you are just jealous because I have more creative talent in my pinky than you would ever hope to have in your entire pathetic little life! Toodles!

It's a..........

2007-12-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

Still don't know! My OB is an idiot...I have been venting about this all damn day. Seriously considering a dr switch here! He chewed his gum like he was a freakin' horse the whole time he was doing the sono. He's an ass. His sono machine SUCKS! You couldn't even really see the heartbeat. He referred me to another dr for a better sono, so 3 more weeks of waiting! But it's ok, I kinda got to see my baby today!!! Yay!! (Although seriously, when I got my sono at 6 weeks, you could tell it was a baby better than you could today! LOL)

Here is the picture...

Simple Sundays

2007-12-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

My simple pleasure this week is creating! This is my ultra mess, super unorganized, 15 projects going at once scrap table. But it feels so damn good to sit here and create. Especially when I am creating fun stuff for other people for Christmas. It feels good when someone opens a handmade gift from me and they really love it because it was created with love, and it's something unique just for the person I think they are. I love using the different aspects of peoples personalities to create something for them.

Want to play Simple Sundays? Check out the link and have fun sharing your weekly simple pleasure!

Just some stuff I have made...

2007-12-16T17:31:00.000-08:00

This is a cheap 4 dollar clock from walmart, I took out the insides and created this little masterpiece..LOL! I am making one for my Dad and this one is for Jamie's Dad...that way they can always pop open a Bud if they want too!

Same thing, but with patterned paper and a bible verse printed on it for my Mom. Which we had Christmas with yesterday and she LOOOOOOOOOOVED IT!

This is an altered CD I made my for my scrap area.

An altered composition book for my sister in law Sarah for Christmas. It's for use as a journal, or notebook, whatever.,

A tin I made for my mother in law, it has a mini scrapbook inside made out of the same paper. Then she can use the tin to put stuff in.

Back view of the tin.

Oh Yeah, Duh!

2007-12-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

Heather's comment and then later text reminded me I only updated my Myspace, not my blog too! I didn't get my ultrasound done yet. They called me on Wed and had to reschedule me as the midwife (who is apparently the only one who does ultrasounds) was delivering a baby! So I got Monday. So cross your fingers that we will find out finally!!

We leave for NC this Wed night, we figured over night driving would be a little better than daytime driving during the Christmas season. We will be back in IL on Christmas Eve.

That's it for tonight, I am wiped, gonna check my email and go to bed. Toodles!

With the bad...always comes the good...

2007-12-11T18:29:00.000-08:00

So it's true we don't always get each other. And yeah, we have our problems. But hey, who doesn't? At least we love each other right? I wish I could say I am all hormonal and pregnant (which I so totally am to add to the problem), however, I have dark days even without the added imbalances going on within me. And yeah, Sunday was one of them. Even this morning I was ultra sensitive and it seemed like everything Jamie said made me cry. However, that was more hormonal and pregnant. LOL!

Thank you all for the kind words in regard to my last entry. It actually makes me feel better to know it's ok to feel like that sometimes, as I am sure my husband does too. However, today, we are good. Today we are excited, today we can't freakin' wait for tomorrow!!

Today marks 20 weeks in my pregnancy. Halfway to having our beautiful baby! And that amazes me. But even better, tomorrow we get to see our beautiful baby, and as long as he/she doesn't cross those little legs, we shall find out boy or girl. So please cross your fingers that the baby doesn't cross it's legs! LOL!

Jamie got me an early Christmas present, a new HP Printer, Copier, Scanner...therefore, I will be able to scan in my ultrasounds and you will be able to see our baby too! Today I am happy, tomorrow I will be through the roof!

Sometimes

2007-12-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get tired of being me.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, without actually hurting those I love.

Sometimes I wish he really understood me when I attempt to tell him the things in my head.

Sometimes I wish I understood him the same way.

Sometimes, scratch that, all the time I wish I could just be blissfully happy everyday, and not have the demons (aka voices) in my head, making me think. I hate thinking, it leads to no good.

Sometimes I wish it was easy, but I always know it isn't.

Sometimes I hate myself. Most of the time really.

Sometimes I wish I could just be better, but I guess I don't believe in myself enough to do it.

Sometimes I wish I was confident and secure and had no worries.

Sometimes....sucks.

ETA: I think I might be too negative for Simple Sundays this week, I am sorry.

Oh yeah...and....

2007-12-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

I like totally changed my blog look! Hehe! I need help!

I probably change the look of my blog more than anyone else, but I can't help it! I need a fresh new look every once in a while!

Ho Ho Ho!!

2007-12-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

Our fireplace mantle...

A really blurry shot of it lit up with the blue lights.

More mantle with the stockings!

The centerpiece on our dining room table, E's Mom created this out of different ornaments and other decor we had around the house, she's like Martha Stewart, only better!

Jamie holding up our 8 year old God-Daughter Mal so that she can put an ornament on the tree, he is going to be a great Daddy!

Ahhh, isn't it beautiful???

Kind of a cool shot I took while lying on the floor enjoying the lights on the tree.

The star and bow at the top.

The snowman family on the shelf in our dining room.

Just a cool shot on the ornaments.

The railing on our stairs, complete with garland and jingle bells.

The jingle bells, garland and blue lights on the banister at the top of the stairs.

And our outside lights. We actually have some other stuff to go in the yard, so once we get those put up, I will take another pic.

Random Thought

2007-12-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

I have had this blog longer than I have been pregnant...but I have written more entries under the Pregnancy label than any of the other labels.

Thought I would share, to take the sting out of my blog of my previous bitchfest entry!

(note:after hitting publish on this entry, make it 12!! LOL)

Ugh...Just one of those days I guess!

2007-12-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

Except here lately everyday has been just one of those days. You know the ones, where you want to hide under the covers for a year and not have to deal with any of the mundane daily bullshit. Yeah, that's pretty much how I am feeling these days. What could be making me feel this way you ask? Oh I could give you a list of things, for sure!

I think frankly if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any at all! Stupid shit like tonight, re-newing my Pogo membership, only to have 2 hours worth of problems with freakin' Java, and not even being able to play the damn games!

Or today, when one of my 4 year olds decided to beat me up all day, threaten to kick me in the belly (and he knows damn well that he can't do that or he hurts my baby, the whole class knows that), and then after shoving one of the other kids so hard that it knocked the wind completely out of her and she turned blue, proceeding to completely go on a rampage throughout the room while I am dealing with getting the little girl to breathe, complete with throwing blue raspberry juice all over the carpet and linoleum. It was lovely!! And this kid, he beats me up about every day. I love my job, and I even like the kid, when he is being NICE! But he gets in these moods and he goes bonkers! My boss had to call his Mom to come pick him up, that is how out of control he was.

Then there is the whole anxiety over other shit that I am not even going to discuss on here, but that's the anxiety that's really getting to me. That's the one that's giving me insane panic attacks right before I fall asleep, thus preventing sleep. And then, for some insane reason, I never actually go into a deep sleep all night, and I am constantly waking up. Part anxiety, part pregnancy I am sure. And they say that when you are pregnant anxiety can definitely get worse, IT IS!! And then I have to train my body to sleep on the left side while maintaining a pillow between my legs, guess what, NOT WORKING! I am used to sleeping on my stomach, and when I roll over on my stomach I wake up and it's really uncomfortable, and it isn't recommended at all!! So I am working on that. And a regular pillow isn't working, I need a body pillow. So I am going on a body pillow hunt this weekend.

It has officially been over two hours and I still haven't gotten to play my damn Pogo!! Still trying to download the damn fix for it! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

Ok, then I have this whole blog depression thing going. I am reading other blogs and they have tons of comments and readers, and I realize that I have a tiny handful of readers (whom I love dearly btw), and some sporadic at that. I know I blog for myself, but hell, if I didn't want some sort of audience, I would be writing in a paper journal, not online for the world to see, right? LOL! So tell me, how the hell do I make this blog more interesting? I got to be doing something wrong. I seriously had a blog over on AOL about 2 years ago that was more popular than this place, and it was even more stupid than the shit I write here! How can that be?

I am starting to think this falls under a vents catagory, don't you agree?

And, Christmas....SHIT! It's right around the corner. I still have to shop for a few people and then make presents for the other handful of people. When am I supposed to find the time for this? Ok, to play devils advocate with myself I suppose that instead of wasting 2 hours just to play Pogo, I could have been making things, but I needed a break tonight. I just wanted to chill with my trusty (well it was until I couldn't Pogo!) laptop, and just do mindless activities for an evening. Now, it's 10, and I like to go to bed at 10, but it seems I won't be until this TAKING TO DAMN LONG DOWNLOAD IS DONE!!

Bitter, party of one please!

I need a vacation!!!!!! A really freaking long one please!!! To a tropical location, with white sandy beaches, warmth (it's freakin' COLD HERE!!), and blue ocean as far as the eye can see. Give me a lounge chair, some tuneage, and some virgin foofoo drinks (so I can pretend to get drunk), and leave me there for a month. I PROMISE to come back ready to face the world again!! And I will come back with a positive attitude, REALLY!!

On the brighter side of things....tomorrow marks 19 weeks of pregnancy! Do you realize that's almost HALFWAY DONE!!!!!!!!!! It's amazing how it flies when you are pregnant! It's crazy!! Also a week from Wed. is the big day....finding out if our pickle has a pickle or not!!! I can't wait, that is honestly keeping me going right now!! And for the first time I will get to see my beautiful unborn baby! Do you know the elation I am feeling inside right now? And when we find out the sex, we can begin the naming process! Oh yeah baby! So if you haven't voted in my poll over to the right there, YOU SHOULD! Hehe!

Ok, 31% of the download completed, it was at 6% when I started this damn entry. And seriously, I am tired of bitching, so I am gonna go find something else to occupy my time until it finishes. Goodnight dear friends.

Simple Sundays

2007-12-02T18:35:00.000-08:00

My simple pleasure this week was...the weekend. The whole dang weekend! We had an ice storm on Sat., so we got the fireplaces going, made a joint effort soup (we do that a lot around here, we will all chop everything up that goes in it and help in some way), played family games and made cookies. We also had Wii competitions, went grocery shopping, and overall just had a great family weekend. Today Jamie and I got up and made breakfast for the family (we also had Gab's brother here too, so an extra kid for all the weekend fun!), then we all cleaned the house, made another joint effort soup (Sat was Chicken Noodle, today was Cheesy Potato soup), and played more family games.

I had a really long week at work, so the nice relaxing family time, especially with all the kids here, was just what the dr ordered! Too bad tomorrow is Monday! I am just so not ready for the week to begin!!

Fear

2007-11-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

I came across a blog I used to read, it's from this girl I have never met, never talked to, probably never will talk to. She's a scrapbooker, pretty famous in the scrapbooking world actually. Anyway, I am not sure why she disappeared from my bloglines, but apparently I had never realized it. Back to my point, I came across her blog again, to find out she was pregnant, and lost her baby. I am 18 weeks and 3 days along now, and as I am reading back about her story, I realize, she was 18 weeks when she found out. And that racked me with fear, and I sat here and bawled while I read about her angel daughter, and how she found out.

I know that's her story, and I know that it's a really good possibility that I won't have to endure her pain. But, that doesn't make the fear of it any less real. I have to say, I am very amazed by her strength. She chose to deliver her daughter so that her and her husband would have a chance to hold her and say goodbye to her. How amazing is the strength there?

I don't really feel any movement yet, and I know that is typical, especially in first pregnancies, and I wish there was a way I could check on our pickle everyday, but there isn't. I know that in a week and a half I will be able to see my baby, and find out it if we have a boy or a girl, and then we can go through the process of naming our precious child. But still, I have the fear of what if something happens, how do I handle it? I know that's not a great way to live, and it isn't like it consumes me, it's just things like this get me thinking for a moment. And I can't speak for every pregnant woman, but I would imagine that it's a fear that's always in the back of your head.

And maybe the whole thing at 6 weeks when we thought we were having a miscarriage has made me more prone to fear, I don't know. All I know is that I never want to go through the pain of thinking it could be happening, let alone it actually happening. Does that make sense?

I don't know if this baby is a boy or a girl, I have never seen this baby face to face, but I think I have felt it move once or twice (but I can't really tell), and I have heard the heartbeat, and I have been carrying him/her around for 18 weeks now, and I love this baby. I can't imagine my life without this baby. I can't explain it, but he/she is a part of me, and it's a part of me I never want to lose.

I know tomorrow the fear won't be a prominent as it is right now, but it will still be there, as it has been there from the beginning. I just hope there is never actually a reason to justify that fear.

I just hafta do it!

2007-11-29T19:59:00.000-08:00

Mandy posted this on her blog, and it gave me such a much needed laugh, I had to post it here, for my own enjoyment as well as my faithful readers! Enjoy!!

Best Wedding Dance Ever - More amazing video clips are a click away

Simple Sundays

2007-11-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

Boy it's cold outside! And as much as I am not a fan of cold weather and all that winter entails, my simple pleasure actually happened today because of what winter entails! I was actually going to post a photo of the bowl of ice cream I enjoyed on Tuesday night, I took it with the intention of it being my Simple Sundays post. You know, about how something as simple as ice cream can bring great pleasure to a pregnant chick. Yada yada yaday, you know what I mean. But today that all changed.

This morning as Jamie was getting a few things accomplished before we headed over to my Mom's house, he yells downstairs to me that it's snowing outside. I was like yay, snow, whatever. So I didn't even bother to get up and look out the window. Instead I continued to lay in the bed, and he came downstairs and said, "Fine, I will show you!" And he opened the blind. Turns out it was mesmerizing!! So as he went back about his business, I laid in our bed, with my hands on my stomach and watched the snow fall. And it was definitely the simplest of pleasures!!

On another note, if you guys could do me a favor and please send out prayers/good thoughts for my blogging/real life friend Heather (and her family as well), who unfortunately lost her grandfather on Thanksgiving, I would really appreciate it! This is a very tough time for her and her loved ones, and I am sure they could use all the good energy they could get. I love you Heather!!

Gobble Gobble!

2007-11-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

From this turkey to your house....Happy Thanksgiving!

Not only is today Thanksgiving, but today I turned 28 years old! 28 years ago today I was born (and check this out, it was Thanksgiving!) to Tonya and Larry...and I am sure happy they had me! Thanks Mom and Dad!

So in honor of Thanksgiving, here is what I am thankful for:

My child growing inside of my belly
My loving, amazing, and wonderful husband
My family that I live with (E, G, L, M and Jamie)
My blood family of course
My in-laws too!
Crackling fireplaces warming the house
Holiday decorations
A roof over my head
Food on the table
The chance to live each day
My friends near and far
Love, Life and Happiness!

And in honor of my birthday, a some random bullet thoughts:

I have grown a lot in the past 28 years
I am actually pretty proud of the person I have become
I am lucky to have found true love in this life
One of the things I have always wanted to accomplish in this life is becoming a mother, I am doing that, GO ME!
But still before I die I want to see Paris, re-learn French and learn it right this time, become a great Mom, travel to many other places besides Paris, get over my fear of heights, own a mustang, sleep under a tin roof while the rain pelts above and I am in Jamie's arms, and of course a bunch of other things that will take too damn long to write about.
I hope that I can still be proud of myself by my 29th birthday.
I hope that other people are proud of the person I have become
I am randomly using punctuation in some places, but not in others, I still suck at all the stuff I was supposed to learn in school...haha!
I want to go to college
I want to become a teacher

Today was a great day. My Mom called me at midnight, to be the first to wish me a happy birthday. My husband woke up and sang to me. E woke up and gave me a card that of course made me cry cuz that's what we do as best friends, get cards to make the other one cry. My Dad and Mary Jane called and sang "Happy Turkbirthday to you", I got lots of birthday calls, texts and emails. And we deep fried a turkey, made up some hella good side dishes, ate, watched movies, napped, at my famous pumpkin cheesecake, watched more movies, and enjoyed the warmth of the fire. Talk about a perfect birthday/Thanksgiving!

Next year I am sure it will be more hectic seeing as how I will have a baby, and will definitely have to do the whole running around to family and whatnot...but thats ok, I don't mind. I am looking forward to the pickle's first Thanksgiving!! It's my favorite holiday...wonder why! Haha!

Also, don't forget I posted a poll in the sidebar...you only have till the 12th to make your vote on boy or girl!

He truly is amazing....

2007-11-18T19:06:00.000-08:00

Well, my birthday is quickly coming upon me. 28 is almost here. Am I excited? Nah, somehow you kind of lose the excitement of getting older when you are in your 20's, after you hit that last fun milestone of 21. But, it's a fact of life, and I have only a few days left of being 27.

So even though my birthday isn't until Thursday (yup, I am a turkey thank you very much! Hehe, I was even born on Thanksgiving day!), my wonderful, amazing and loving husband got me my present nearly a week early. Friday night he got me the Canon PowerShot A560, and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!!!! Without a doubt it is the NICEST gift anyone has ever gotten me. The whole time we have been together thats the one thing I have always said I wanted....a really good digital camera. And well, I got it!! And not only for the past 5 years have I wanted one, but especially since I found out I am pregnant, I wanted a good camera for when the baby comes. Well my truly amazing husband made my dream of that come true!

It's a wonderful camera, especially for amature photography, which I LOVE doing!!!! And of course my awesome husband knows this. So here are a few of the pics I have snapped with this awesome camera that my amazing husband got me for my birthday, even though I didn't want him to spend so much money on me! =)

Of course the amazing man himself! I love this man!!! Oh, and that's in our bedroom, it's red. We are going to paint it soon though, he says it reminds him of a lung. Haha!

A tree in our neighborhood, although very few of them have leaves left!

More trees..duh!

Our Christmas tree..we put it up last night.

I used to have a photoblog, I am thinking of starting one again and getting back into one of my favorite hobbies....photography. So I will definitely let ya'll know if I do!!

Simple Sundays

2007-11-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

My Simple Sunday post for this week might actually be my favorite thusfar....

In the course of this pregnancy my emotions have went up and down and up and down. I have been confused, elated, sad, elated, sick to my stomach, not hungry, nauseous, cranky, and a whole number of other feelings.

Days after finding out I had the BIGGEST scare of my life to date...thinking I was losing/lost my baby. Even though I was confused at that moment (as often happens when you first get pregnant, especially when you don't have medical insurance) about the whole thing, when I started cramping and bleeding I knew I wanted this baby more than anything! I have been waiting so long for this, and we honestly believed it wouldn't ever happen. And even though we found out I hadn't lost the baby and it was ok...it's been a fear of mine ever since.

Carrying around another life inside of you is life changing, and it's seriously effing scary! I mean, you are responsible for this life....this baby....this new beginning. And it's your job to take care of it, nurture it, and love it. But sometimes it isn't meant to be and you don't have it. That's the scare I have had since day 1. Even though I am doing everything right, what if I lose the baby...that's a daily thought for me.

Well on Wednesday I had a Dr. appointment, and I thought it would just be blood workups, and exams. That was all they told me it would be. And even though it was just those things Jamie still wanted to go with me, because he wants to attend all appointments no matter how big or small. Well let me just say this, I am so glad he did...because we got to hear our child's heartbeat loud and clear! It was the most amazing moment ever! I, of course, started bawling like a baby! How could you not, it's your child's heartbeat!!!!! What could be better than that? Well of course besides the first sonogram, and actually having the baby. But you know what I mean!! LOL!

So that is this weeks simple pleasure...thanks for reading!

Also, we find out (baby willing of course) what we are having on Dec. 12th!! So the countdown to find out if the pickle has a pickle has begun! I am going to attempt to put a poll on my side bar, so make your guesses, boy or girl!!!

Simple Sundays...Giving Back

2007-11-11T16:05:00.000-08:00

It seems for the past 5 years Jamie has been taking care of me, and spoiling me rotten. If it's something I want and he can get it, he does. I mean the man went and bought me a Crop-A-Dile out of the blue in NC. Went to the scrapstore, bought it, and brought it home to me....who does that?? I love it! All because I told him how awesome the tool was after seeing it used during a class at the store!

That's the kind of man he is...that's the kind of things he does. If we can afford it, and sometimes even when we can't...he still spoils me! Well I am finally giving it back. I have been shopping like mad for him, and I love it. But today was the best, because today I got almost all of his Christmas gifts purchased! Oh there are a few more things in my head, but I got him so much of what he needs and would absolutely love! And we have always been so broke in the past, that we never really got to give each other a good Christmas. So it fills my heart with joy to be able to give back to him, and it's not about the actual stuff...it's about the act, the giving, the knowing someone so much that you know exactly what to get them and they will love it. And it's because finally we can do that for each other.

So that's my simple pleasure!

**Sorry to everyone who stopped by last week and commented, I haven't been on much this week and I haven't gotten to your entries, but I will! And thank you for stopping by mine!!**

Pain sucks..

2007-11-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

Seriously...I am in pain! And it's a constant pain, that makes me want to cry, but I won't. I am toughing it out! First it started with a headache yesterday that wouldn't quit....and it carried over to today. After a minor nose bleed I am absolutely convinced it's because of the dry air, cuz it is all sinus. It is finally subsided to a very faint ache now, yay!!

But then I have the side pain. I think I pulled a muscle or something. But it freakin' hurts! See, this is the one that makes me want to cry. I deal with headaches...but this, SUCKS! I breathe in, it hurts, I breathe out, it hurts. Oh and don't even thinking about yawning, hiccuping, or sneezing because that will cause such a pain it will bring tears to your eyes!! It's below my ribs though, so I am not worried that I did something there. I am pretty sure I did it trying to get comfy in the uncomfy seats at the movie theatre last night. But it hurts and dammit, I am ready for it to stop because even Tylenol ain't touching this one, and that's the best I can do for another few months! Ahhh, times like this is when I think to myself that vicodin or morphine would be good! Haha! I hate pain!!

Movie, yeah, I was gonna tell you about that too...so it's not a complete whiny post*...lmao! We went to see American Gangster with Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. It was a good movie, kind of graphic drug use, but good none the less! It's a long ass movie too, almost 3 freakin' hours! Thats the downfall to this movie...there are points when it gets a little slow and you are thinking hurry up and get over already! Especially when the theatre is so crowded that you are not even about to try to get up and climb over all the people between you and the restroom! But overall, a very good movie. Although I though Denzel was going to be more of a badass than he actually was. He is definitely one of my favorite actors, he can play totally different roles and rock them out! Tomorrow...going to see Bee Movie...will let you know how that goes!

PS...Meet the Robinsons is out on DVD...GO BUY/RENT IT...NOW...SERIOUSLY! You want to see a funny yet uplifiting movie? That is the movie to see, great moral to it, for young and definitely for old! Do it now...cuz I said so!

I am tired, can barely keep eyes open...must sleep! But hey, 2 posts this week...I am kicking some blogging ass! I have even started going around and trying to catch up and leaving comments...I so rock!

*I am trying not to be the annoying whiny pregnant chick, so I don't complain much even when I definitely have a valid reason to do so. So here, in my happy little blog, I get to do that once in a while....I know you awesome peeps won't mind!

Simple Sundays

2007-11-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, me thinks this will make Mandy over at Simple Sundays very happy...I am finally participating again!!

This weeks simple pleasure...Jamie kissing my belly and talking to the baby before going to sleep, in the mornings, and anytime it strikes him to tell the baby he loves it and give my belly kisses. Seriously, it doesn't get better than that!

And as a bonus I have one more that I totally think is worthy...me, frazzled, stressed out from work, and just plain exhausted. And Jamie comes over to me with his MP3 player that he had been listening too and saying "I think this ones for you..." and me hearing "Come Away with Me" by Norah Jones. Our original song, and it just absolutely relaxed me like nothing else and made me smile. Sometimes it amazes me how he knows just what I need when I need it!

Yup, I am here...

2007-10-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

Well I am still alive. Sorry about the lack of updates/reading your blogs from me. It seems that I am never really online anymore. I get on long enough to check my myspace and email and then I am off. When I get off work, after dinner and whatnot, I just don't feel like getting online cuz I am beat. I don't even watch TV anymore! LOL! And then when I take a moment to sign into bloglines I get overwhelmed by how behind I am on my blogs that I don't even try to read the gazillion updates I have. But I will I promise! This weekend was a busy one and we weren't really home enough for me to get online.

The pregnancy is going well, almost into my 2nd trimester! So very excited! I can't wait to start feeling the little pickle move! And I am loving my job! Things are going very well for us!

I am going to do a bullet style run down on some things and go to bed, early work hours make for early bedtime for the girl that used to never want to go to bed! LOL!

Lots of things a pregnant woman can't do, like go through haunted houses (wish I would have known that before the 30 minute drive to the best haunted house in the area and before buying the ticket that I couldn't even use!)
But when I watched "The Hills Have Eyes" and I was seriously scared with a racing heart I understood why they don't want you going through haunted houses!
By the way, if you are looking for freaky and gory, that is the movie to see!
I can't wait to have an alcoholic beverage! Not that I am a drunk or anything, but sometimes they are nice on a weekend to take the edge off! Haha!
"Meet the Robinsons" is out on DVD...amazing movie for young and old!!
Do you think it's ok to roller skate while pregnant? Probably not! Oh well, lots of watching for me at my niece's birthday party I guess!
My step-sister is having her 4th child...she is due exactly a month after me!
I fucking love my husband, he is amazing!!!!!
I miss blogging, and my blogging friends, I really need to find computer time more often!
Pregnancy is still kicking my ass in the tired department! But I love it, and I love when my husband kisses and talks to my belly!
But I feel like a fat freakin' cow! Seriously, I felt like that before, it's only going to get worse I think!
I miss scrappin'! I really think I am going to get on the ball with that, and make some shit, like the pregnancy journal I started like the day after I found out and managed to do a little bit of the cover and that's it! Haha!
I so don't even feel like dressing up for Halloween, which is unlike me, I hope its not required for work! Blah!
My moods are off the chart, but that comes with pregnancy I suppose. But overall I have changed a lot since finding out I am pregnant, more on that later that would be a good long blog entry in and of itself!
I am going to be a mom, and that's fucking amazing!!!
My faith in God has actually been restored since finding out, I wasn't sure that would ever happen.

I think that's all for now, I will seriously try to find some time to catch up. I know Mandy has like 60 updates since the last time I read and I am pretty sure everyone else has a shit ton too, so I will read but will most likely only comment on the most recent posts, unless one strikes me as needing a comment! Sorry again for being so behind, but I adore you all, and I will be getting back into the groove of things!! *muah*

Exhuasted!!

2007-10-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I just went to bloglines and I have so many freakin' entries to read from everyone!! Ahhhh, it's almost overwhelming to me because I know it's going to take hours to read and comment. And frankly I don't have the brain capacity for all that right now, I am sorry. Perhaps this week I will get to it, but tonight I want to grab my book and just read until I zonk out! LOL!

Actually, that's pretty much all I have been doing lately. Reading, and sleeping, and working of course. I haven't been online since I posted my last entry, and that is so not me. It's nuts I tell ya, I don't know what is going on with me! LOL! And I had planned to sit down and catch up this weekend, but it was my first weekend on a normal sleeping schedule, and so we went and got a shit-ton of stuff done! Had our errands ran by 10 AM on saturday! Wow!! That's a huge first for sure!!!! And then we spent some time with my folks over the weekend. So it was kind of crazy, but in a good, hey I slept and wanted to function on a weekend way!

Ohhhhh, we also went shopping! I got two new shirts from Steve and Barry's (loooooooove that freakin' place!!). I got a pink tshirt that says "I'm a virgin, but this is an old t-shirt" because of the irony of it all! Hehe, I am a dork like that. I also got one that is pink, has a turtle on it and says "I'm cranky but adorable, so I'm worth it" since I am all cranky and hormonal and stuff. LOL! I also got some clothes for work, and some new comfy cozy pjs! Flannel PJ pants and a super soft white tshirt! Love it, can't wait to shower and put them on! Of course that leads to getting into bed, and we just got brand new so comfy and cozy and warm flannel sheets! Last night was the first night we had them on and I slept like a freakin' baby!! It's gonna be hard to get out of bed in the morning for work! LOL!

Speaking of work, it's going wonderful! I get an hour and a half break everyday which I come home and nap to refresh for the afternoon since I am still super tired all the time. LOL! Gotta love pregnancy! But it's awesome and I really do love my job!!

Ok, that's a good update, more than I even meant to do..LOL! But I hope to be around to you all soon, but if I don't leave a comment on every entry you have posted since the last time I was there, forgive me, my fingers get tired too! LOL!

Been a while huh?

2007-10-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, it's been a few days huh? Sorry if I worried anyone with my absence. It hasn't been intentional, I have just been out of it lately. I keep thinking to myself, I really need to blog, but then I never get around to doing it. I have been trying to get some stuff in life in order lately, and that's been taking up some time.

Good news though, I got a new job! No more working 3rd shift at a nightclub anymore! Yay!! I am glad I got out of that enviroment, not really pregnancy orientated ya know? And then I went into something that I use to do and absolutely loved, and the best part about it....KID FRIENDLY! I am the new assistant teacher in the 3/4 Pre-k room at a daycare! It's the exact same room I used to be in at the exact same daycare! I love that age, and I am really happy about it! Today was my first day, but some of the kids already knew me from when I observed in the room last week. But they have all taken to me, and so far so good! However, I am not used to being on my feet all the time and moving around chasing little ones, so I was a little pooped out when I got home. LOL! Thank goodness for lavender bath salts and hot water!

So there is an update for ya! I am headed to be now, I haven't been sleeping for shit lately, and I think tonight I am so tired it will be a good nights rest! I hope anyway! But I promise another installment of The Pregnancy Chronicles soon! I think you guys will get a kick out of it!

The Pregnancy Chronicles Vol. 4

2007-09-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dude, I am starting to feel like one of those chicks who have nothing else to talk about besides her pregnancy! Ok, I am one of those chicks. Here's the thing though, I went from fun girl to pregnant girl who has no life....so this is all I got folks! Anyway, according to my email ticker I am 8 weeks and 5 days preggers, only 219 days to go (gee, that doesn't sound like a lot does it?). At this point I have been watching baby shows and reading books and I can't wait for my baby to arrive!! Not that I want to wish away the 9 months that I get to spend alone with this lil pickle, but I can't wait to hold the baby in my arms and kiss it's tiny little cheeks!!

Not much has changed from my last entry, except some stuff that I am sure guys (and probably most girls) don't want to read about. LOL! But this I am going to share, MY BOOBS FUCKING HURT!!! No really, THEY FUCKING HURT! They don't just hurt...if they just hurt I could handle it, THEY FUCKING HURT! Sorry if that's TMI, but I had to get that out! LOL! Also, I have been blessed in the boobage department, I am pretty well endowed...and they are getting bigger! Like I need them to get any bigger! My 2 newest bras aren't doing much for holding them these days, so I got a new bra this weekend. Oh and when I take my bra off...MY BOOBS FUCKING HURT! Yup, they do!!

I am able to eat more, not much, but a little. That's nice. Some things I used to love I am absolutely hating now, and some things I used to hate I am liking now (notice I refuse to say loving...lol). And I have this funny story from this evening. We are at Cracker Barrel and my side salad comes out, I put the ranch on it, ask Jamie to pass me the pepper and begin to put pepper on my salad. I look up and Jamie and E are just staring at me and Jamie says " want a little salad with your pepper?" And I laugh and say "Well, I really wanted it to taste peppery" to which E replies with "Want some ice cream and pickles with that too?" Haha! So we have a good laugh at my craving that I didn't even notice and wouldn't have noticed (as I always add pepper to my salads) had they not noticed. E said she has never seen me use so much pepper before. Haha!

I go to the Dr. again in a week and that's when the slew of first trimester tests begin. Yay, stick a needle in me and take a few gallons of blood! LOL! But I am excited, it's my first 'REAL' appointment as the first appointment was just a HEY, YOU ARE PREGNANT appointment, and I already knew that!

Lets see, what else? Oh Jamie thinks I am more sexy now than I have ever been because I am pregnant. And then he said that all guys think pregnant chicks are hot! I didn't know that, but there is something about it that they think is hot. So he thinks I am ultra hot right now cuz I am pregnant and he can't keep his hands off me. Gotta love that right? LOL!

That's pretty much it, save for the TMI stuff I won't ick you with, I just call my Mom and tell her all about that stuff....hehe! Oh, I must make a recommendation really quick, if you are pregnant, have a child, or even plan on ever getting pregnant, or you just like to read funny stuff, I suggest you pick up Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy. OMG, I read it in less than 24 hours, it's the best pregnancy book ever, she is a freakin' riot!!!

Simple Sundays...on Monday

2007-09-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

Alas, I planned on doing this wonderful Meme from Simple Sundays (who is only like one of my absolute favorite bloggers!), but I am a day late...read on to find out why!

My simple pleasure was Sunday though! I didn't work on Saturday so I was actually able to wake up early and enjoy a whole Sunday without feeling like I was hit by a train! I was able to wake up, look over and see the love of my life and smile to myself knowing that I had a whole day to spend with him!

We got up, had breakfast, took our leisurely time getting ready to head out for a while, and went shopping! He took me to Target and Micheal's, two of my favorite places, and we hit up Barnes and Noble which is a common favorite of both of us.

We headed home and relaxed around the house, he couldn't keep his hands off my belly, he couldn't stop coming up behind me and kissing my neck softly, we were absolutely head over heels in love yesterday and it was wonderful!

We ordered chinese for dinner, relaxed on the deck, read a little, and then watched a movie together in the evening. After the movie, we didn't go right to sleep *wink wink* but fell asleep in each others' arms a while later!

And that was my simple pleasure for the week...

The Pregnancy Chronicles Vol. 3

2007-09-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot going on with me right now, except for being nauseous all the time...LOL! I worked all weekend, and I really just don't like my job anymore. I need to find a new one, plus I get like no sleep on the weekends because I work all night and Jamie is off on the weekend so that's the only time we get to do stuff. So I end up getting up too early and not getting near enough sleep. Well that was fine and well, before I had our little pickle to think about. My drained exhaustion cannot be good on the baby. I need to find a new job! Seriously!!!!

My hormones are OUT OF CONTROL right now! I feel like I am constantly in a funk. It sucks. This should be the happiest time of my life, but unfortunately until the placenta is completely made, and takes over hormone production for the pickle...I am pretty much doomed to being a raging bitch one minute, crying the next, then laughing a mere moment later. It's truly a sick cycle! And there is so much going on around me, so many factors playing into my thoughts, stressing me out, that it's making it that much harder to fight the hormonal imbalance. That on top of wanting to puke all the time, but not actually doing it, and not being able to eat anything because the thought of food turns my stomach, I am not really doing that hot. Pregnancy is definitely not all sunshine and roses. But that's the outward appearance I need to project to everyone around me because everyone thinks I won't be able to handle this. Everyone thinks I am just going to bitch, moan and groan about every ache and pain, every bad aspect. And I am so tired of people expecting so little of me that I just give it to them because I don't have it in me to fight. Well not this time...I don't care how miserable I am, how depressed I feel, how hormonally challenged I am on any given day, I refuse to let it show. Unfortunately that makes me feel very alone sometimes in this whole thing. I even wanted to project that everything is great and I am embracing it all so much (even the shitty aspects) here on my blog, but I just don't have it in me to do that. This is my place of solitude away from the eyes of the people in my life....this is my safe haven to actually get to bitch about the things I need to bitch about without meeting everyone's low expectations for me, and I am damn well going to use it!

Not to seem that everything is horrible and all I am going to do is bitch about being pregnant. There are wonderful things about this pregnancy, things that aren't bothering me, things that kinda suck, but I am embracing. But when you are nauseous 24/7, can't hardly eat shit, can't sleep worth a damn for being nauseous, and are constantly exhausted but you know you can't nap whenever you want, it does tend to weigh down on you after a while. I know it won't last forever, thankfully, most of this is just first trimester symptoms. And I know other things will get worse, and I am ok with that, but meanwhile I need to bitch about it! I deserve to bitch about it because nobody else is going through this but me! Oh sure, some people may have been pregnant before, they may think they know how it goes, but every damn person's body is different, and just because yours reacted one way does NOT mean that mine will. Just because you were never tired, or sick feeling doesn't mean that I won't be. That's why God made us all different....cherish it, and back the fuck off me for NOT having the perfect rosy fucking pregnancy you did!! Wow, ok, not sure where that came from, but apparently it needed to come out! LOL! And you know what's really crazy? I thought I understand where my girl Nikki was coming from when she was pregnant, and now I realize that even though I thought I did....I had no freakin' idea until now! And what I love the best about that girl is, she gets it! Thank God! (Hi Nikki!!)

Now, the things that aren't bothering me, I am breaking out like a damn teenager, that's funny to me. My skin is really dry (I sure didn't read about that anywhere! LOL), but it has a great glow that people notice right off the bat!! My husband can't quit touching my belly, and I love it!! Although when strangers do it I want to punch them in the nose! Haha! My family is super excited, I am truly super excited about this life growing inside of me, even through all the crappy stuff from the previous paragraph.

And the best part of all, I have this amazing connection with the baby. It isn't even considered a "fetus" yet, just an embryo, and I haven't felt it do anything, haven't seen it...but the connection I feel is like nothing I have ever felt before. There is love there, pure unconditional love. A realization that no matter how much I may fuck up in this life, I am doing something amazing RIGHT NOW!! I am giving life to another human being, a human being that will love me no matter what, unconditionally. A human life that will need me forever, even well beyond 18 much like I still need my folks. I talk to it, I sing to it, I pat the spot where I guess it's at....this is my child, and that is amazing to me. When you go from thinking you may never have a child, to finding out you are pregnant and then developing that connection, it can't be described, it's just freakin' amazing! And the fact that I made this life with my soul-mate, with the most important person in my life, it just makes it so much better!! I am blessed, I truly am!

Thankfully though, my darling husband is doing his best to understand all of the things I am enduring through this pregnancy. He is always asking how I am feeling, if he can do anything for me and in general is treating me wonderfully. With the exception of my wild and crazy hormone induced mood-swings that is. That is constantly driving him crazy, but otherwise, I am very lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side during this pregnancy.

The Party

2007-09-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

One thing is for sure, I am not a professional cake decorator! But hey, it wasn't bad for a double layer chocolate cake! And it was made with love! Happppppppy Birthdayyyyyyyy toooo youuuuuuuuuuuu!!
Now blow them out and make a wish!

Well I was still standing there, so he must not have wished me away!

He's a happppppy birthday boy!! I love him! He so has that
"I am going to be a Daddy" glow doesn't he?

And some love for the wife! Look at those lips, gosh how I love those lips!

All in all, Jamie had a perfect birthday, it was just what he wanted! Beer, pizza (I suggested ordering Pizza Hut), cake, video games, and a relaxing evening at home! He was definitely a happy little birthday boy!! Oh and he also got 2 movies he really wanted from me, Pan's Labyrinth and V for Vendetta, so he is extra happy!

The Pregnancy Chronicles Vol. 2

2007-09-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

Well as I said in my previous post, we had a bit of a scare over the weekend, but we are so thankful that everything is ok! And of course Daddy got to see the lil pickle on the sono, and Mommy was a bit jealous of that fact! But it's ok, in due time I will get to see him/her too! And all of that reminded me that I couldn't get through to my OB's office today and need to do that tomorrow! We are just ever so grateful that everything is ok with our pickle!

As far as pregnancy symptoms go, I am having LOTS of food aversions. Basically nothing sounds good to me anymore and I have to force myself to eat things. After I eat I usually get really nauseous but never actually get sick (thank goodness!). Still lots of peeing! Like you want to know that! Haha! I find that I get hungry more often so I am eating little meals throughout the day instead of just 3 meals, which most things I have read have suggested I do. Now I understand why, my body is working much harder and apparently that makes me hungry more often! I am having a little bit of moodiness, but I am trying really hard to control that. And I am seriously tired all of the time. Definitely having lots of headaches, which I read is especially to be expected between 6 and 8 weeks! My favorite part of all this though, I feel different. It's an amazing feeling to know that there is a little life growing inside of you! And it's scary to me, especially after this weekend. As much as I am enjoying know I am going to have a special bond with our pickle for 9 months that nobody else will have, part of me is scared to be responsible for this life inside me, so I am going to be extra careful and make sure nothing happens to him/her! It just seems after all the uncertainty of Friday night, I am ready to have the pickle in my arms and know that he/she is safe!

Here is some week 7 info, which is pretty much where I am at:
embryo in second month

Fetal development in pregnancy week 7: Your baby is really beginning to develop more physical definition this week – their oversized head isn’t just large and oblong anymore, it’s actually a little bit pointy. The tiny receding tail bud is now starting to be overshadowed by the growth of their legs, which are now complete with knees and the beginnings of toes. Their eyes and ears are the most visible features on their head and their miniature bones are starting to harden throughout their body. You also have some variation on a boy or a girl at this point, although their genitals won’t be visible enough to determine which color cigars you’re going to buy until around the 16th week.

And how's mom doing? Your hormones are still out of whack because the placenta won’t take over hormone production for your little one for another couple of weeks. So until then, expect more of the same. At this point any close family or friends have undoubtedly noticed you’re a little more moody and/or irritable than it’s always worth the time and effort to explain to yourself and others the reason for your current emotional rollercoaster; you don’t have to be a monster just because you feel a little whacked out usual. And there are probably times where you’re ready to tell the world off (maybe you already have), but it’s always worth the time and effort to explain to yourself and others the reason for your current emotional rollercoaster; you don’t have to be a monster just because you feel a little whacked out. Focus on your breathing and energy levels. Take naps if you feel fatigued but don't forget the stress-reducing benefits of long walks outside for fresh air and exercise. Sit down if you start to feel nauseous, and take the time to eat healthy vitamin-rich foods when you’re hungry. Even though there’s no bi-weekly paycheck or boss, pregnancy is harder work than you might think and you need lots of positive physical and emotional energy to provide your baby with the safest strongest home possible.

You know, this is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and I know it may sound crazy, but I am embracing all of it, even the icky parts like feeling sick. Why? Because when I want to complain or be moody about not feeling good I just remember, it's my body changing to take care of this little baby that's living inside of me for a good part of a year, and it needs to go through this to bring this little baby out into the real world. Considering what a pessimistic person I normally am, this is damn good thinking on my part!!!

An assortment of things...

2007-09-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

Although for most I know that 9/11 is a sad day, it cannot be in our home. September 11, 1979 a gorgeous little boy was born at 4:20 PM. And luckily for me 23 years later I would meet him, fall in love with him, marry him and FINALLY become pregnant with his child almost 28 years after his birth! This year my wonderful husband was given the best gift he says he could ever ask for, our pregnancy! So happy birthday my love, I hope that this birthday is a wonderful one! Sorry that I can't get you that really big present you were hoping for, but I got another one on the way, just hang on till around May, ok? I love you baby!!

In all the elation over the little pickle that's growing inside of me, we did have a major scare over the weekend. While at work Friday night I had some cramping and bleeding. Ended up in the ER for 3 hours, but thankfully everything is ok and our little pickle is still in there and with a beating heart! Jamie got to see it on the sono (which they did not give me copies of, bastards!) and said it's shaped like a little peanut with a flash in the middle (the heartbeat). We also heard the heartbeat! The thing is, we didn't get to really be excited over it, because we didn't know that's what he was seeing and we were hearing at the time, we had to find out later when the Dr. finally came in to tell us I didn't miscarry. So a big sigh of relief and some happy tears were shed by both of us. And honestly the whole thing brought us so close together, Jamie didn't leave my side, didn't let go of my hand, and kept stroking my hair to make me feel better. At one point I lost it when it was just him and I, and he held me while I cried, and he cried too, which I didn't know he was doing. It broke my heart to see the fear in his eyes, and to know he was trying to stay so strong for me. I love this man so much, he truly amazes me! I honestly believe this pregnancy has made him and I grow closer together than we have ever been!

Had a family reunion for my Mom's side of the family yesterday. It was a fun time! We had it out at a lake that some of the family owns. Lots of good foods, meeting family I don't remember ever meeting before but had, swimming, singing and drinking! Well no drinking for me! Although I did take a sip of the Strawberry Wine and the Grape Wine that they make. They had karaoke set up and they were awestruck over Jamie's singing voice! People always are, he has an amazing singing voice! I think my Mom got him singing on video, if so I will get it from her and post it, so you can all be awestruck over his amazing singing ability as well! He could actually probably go big in country music if he tried, but he is too shy for all of that. And how awesome is it that he sang to me, in front of my whole family, and neither of us realized there was another soul around us? I love those moments!

I was supposed to go the Hinder/Buckcherry/Papa Roach concert last night, but we didn't end up going. I am not sad about it, although I really wanted to go, I was more excited pre-finding out we were having a baby. After the whole scare this weekend, being in the kind of crowd would really scare the shit out of me! And besides, when you find out you are going to be a Mom, your priorities seem to shift a little. For the time being at least. I am sure that once I have the baby I will appreciate concerts and the like again, but for now I really just want to be at home with my husband making plans for our future and the life of our little pickle!!

Well I suppose that's all for now, besides, I need to go write a Pregnancy entry! Toodles!

The Pregnancy Chronicles Vol. 1

2007-09-06T15:05:00.001-07:00

I should so change the name of my blog to that, because you know that's basically all I am going to blog about for the next 9 months! LOL! Seriously, I have known for like 2 days now and I think everyone is already tired of hearing about it! But I am excited, and I am pregnant and I have never gotten to experience this before, so I am going to be a little nutso about it!

So other than taking the test, and a little bit of nausea here and there, there isn't really many other signs. Oh wait, except the peeing! I am doing that like crazy! And I wouldn't mind except I got up 6 times last night to pee. That's nuts for a girl who usually never wakes up in the middle of the night and can hold it all the way till morning! 6 FREAKIN' TIMES! This lil pickle is apparently going to be more like Daddy, who gets up a million times at night for that! LOL! The sad thing is, this is just the beginning, there is going to be lots of potty trips in my future!

Oh so you are all probably wondering about some details huh? No, not those, you all know how babies are made. LOL! Seriously though, I have a Dr. appointment next Thursday for all the official "Hey, you are having a baby" stuff and to find out how far along I am. However, thanks to the vast world of resources at my fingertips I have determined that I am roughly 7 weeks along and due at the end of April beginning of May. 7 weeks means that our lil pickle has a heartbeat! How awesome is that? I can't wait for the day I get to hear that! And see the lil pickle!

BTW, I call it our little pickle as a play on our last name. LOL! So I have already given it it's first nickname! Besides everyone says Peanut or something cute like that when they are pregnant, but how many use pickle? LOL So he/she is our lil pickle for the minute.

Of course everyone is really happy for us! That's a good thing! My Momma is super stoked as this is her first Grandchild and my Dad is even though his stepkids all have kids that consider hiim Grandpa, this is his first blood grandchild! Jamie's family is excited too! It's nice that people are happy about it. Of course noone can say we rushed, we have been together for almost 5 years. LOL! This is something we have been waiting for, for a very long time. But life is definitely about to change! That's ok though, we welcome the change with open arms!

Probably My Most Exciting Entry Ever!

2007-09-04T16:21:00.000-07:00

Enough said?

Way to Go Genius!!

2007-09-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems I jinxed the weather with my last post. Of course we opened the house, shut down the A/C and let the wonderful breeze in the day I posted that. Today it was hotter than a mofo up in this house. It was hot outside, but bearably so with the lack of humidity. But in the house, wow! Stifling, can't breathe heat. But at night it's so nice we are bearing with it, for a couple of days till it cools back off again during the day.

Meanwhile not much else to say. Looking forward to the Hinder/Buckcherry/Papa Roach concert on Sunday! Also a big family reunion that day too. Jamie and I spent our Labor Day just hanging out together, quiet and simple. It was a good day though.

I guess that's it for now!!

Absolutely beautiful!!

2007-09-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am sitting on the deck, it's a beautiful 82 degrees outside with a nice cool breeze and no humidity. The love of my life is working in the backyard, the kids are out front playing, and it's a perfect day! I love days like this! I love that I can sit out here and blog in such peace! The sun is filtering through the trees, not a cloud in the sky. Ahhhhh, and I just wanted to share!

I have to work tonight, and I didn't get much sleep so I think I am going to close up the laptop, lay back in the chair and take a little catnap in such perfect dozing weather! I hope everyone else is having such wonderful weather this Labor Day weekend!

Quite Honored!!

2007-09-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

How amazing is it that I was bestowed such an amazing award? There aren't even words for how honored I was when Mandy told me she awarded me, but even more so when I actually went to her blog and read the words she wrote about me:

kell is sweet, supportive, and good to everyone she comes across in the blogging community. and that is quite a rarity. she doesn't blog as often as i'd like her to, but she most definitely is the most thoughtful blog commenter out there! i love your comments, kell! and i look forward to seeing more posts from you!

Wow, I don't think anyone has ever written anything so nice about me or my blogging! Thank you Mandy, you are seriously awesome!
That being said, it is now my turn to bestow the same honor of these amazing awards onto other bloggers...here is the criteria behind the awards:

"For those bloggers who inspire others through their words and actions. With a
positive attitude, and an uplifting spirit these bloggers make the blogosphere a
better place, and encourage others to do the same. This award is for bloggers
who rise up to set an example but continue to reach out and support others."

There are so many blogs that I read on my bloglines feeds (some that don't even know I read them! I am such a lurker! LOL) that it was hard to choose, but I did, and here are my choices...

This award rightfully goes to Heather at Singing With My Heart (however upon further investigation I think she has the changed the name of her blog to The Road Less Taken). Heather, although young, has been through so much in such a short span of adulthood. Everyday she gains more and more strength and she continues to find herself and let her past go. She has strength and courage and is definitely deserving of this award!

This award I will definitely have to hand to Chris at Inane Thoughts and Insane Ramblings. Chris has such a passionate love for his wife and his children, he is all about his family. He is also a very positive person that is always posting awesome stuff to make you think about life, yourself and your self esteem. I don't think Chris even knows how inspiring he is to me, and probably everybody else that reads his blog. Oh and his food is freakin' inspirational too, the man can cook! He makes me hungry though, whenever I read his blog! So when you combine all of the above you most certainly have one hell of an inspirational blogger!

I am presenting this award to...Ali Edwards! She is definitely a creative woman who has made scrapbooking not only her hobby, but also her career. Her work amazes me, and it also inspires me! She also has a son who has autism and you wouldn't believe the creative ways she has brought autism awareness to the scrapbooking world! She is more deserving of this award than anyone I know!

Ok, here is the thing, I know it might seem silly to award this one the way I am going too, but as I see it, there is no other option than to award this to Mandy at i don't know, i hope so. Even though she awarded me with this same award, I can't think of another person more thoughtful or more deserving than Mandy. I had been reading her blog for so long and when I finally came out of lurking to say hi, she welcomed me to her blog with open arms. Not only that but she frequently visits my blog and just makes me feel good about what I write. She is an amazing woman with a great flair for blogging and she is one of the most thoughtful people I have ever come across online. I am very happy to say that she is my blogging friend!

It was not only an honor to receive an award but it was also an honor to pass these along to such deserving people!

There used to be a day...

2007-08-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I could sit down and type at a keyboard spilling the thoughts from my brain like I may never be able to again. I could type eloquent thoughts, essays, poetry and stories like a second nature. What happened to me? Where did that go? Now it seems that more often than not I sit down to type an entry into my blog, and there is nothing. I draw a blank. I have had some of the most amazing thoughts for entries while I was out and about, away from the computer, and then when I sit down to type them out, gone like the wind. And I just can't figure it out.

Where did my writing skills go? The last time I sat down and wrote a moving poem was YEARS ago, literally years ago. I can't remember the last time I wrote an essay that was worth a shit. Or even a blog entry that was actually worth reading and not just my "valley-girl type" entry (as one of my myspace friends said about a blog I wrote on there). And honestly, this saddens me, because I have always loved to write. One day I was going to write a book, and write a book of poems as well, and now I can't even freakin' blog? Ugh, what's going on? Also, there used to be a time when I could blog and actually have and KEEP readers!! I actually used to have a very popular AOL Journal and even though it was for me, it was kind of gratifying knowing that people actually enjoyed what I had to say. Not to say that the few readers I have here don't enjoy, but I used to write stuff that was so much more meaningful.

I love to blog, I truly do...but when I think about "Hey I should write an entry tonight", then it almost stresses me out because I want to say something meaningful, or insightful, or humorous, something that is worth coming here and reading, and then I just seem to let myself down because I have lost it. My ability to write my thoughts, emotions, and my visions is gone. And with it went a big part of who I am, and that hurts. I miss that raw, unedited, can't wait to come out of my head part of me. But she is gone and has since been replaced by a girl who uses flickr to take up space in her blog so it doesn't collect too much dust and too many cobwebs.

Perhaps it's time to revisit some of my older, more passionate, more meaningful works of writing. Yet at the same time I fear that I will only find that it was in my head that the words I wrote could possibly be good, and that they truly do suck much like every other entry I write. So...do I face that fear and try to find something worth reposting, or mosey on over to flickr or some fun blog meme to kill a little time until a decent thought manages to find it's way back from my head to the keyboard? Only time will tell!!

***I know this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am not, I am just in a funk and it gets worse when I think about the fact that I have lost an integral part of myself in my ability to write....so I am hoping that someday it returns to me!***

Flickr Faves Wednesday Edition

2007-08-22T18:27:00.001-07:00

1. Ferris wheel, 2. Walk alone, 3. Dreamy, 4. Broken Love, 5. Flying Into The Light, 6. Lulworth cove.Dorset., 7. Going nowhere., 8. Monty's Korner, 9. B&W Crypt San Panfilo, 10. Rock 'n' roll, 11. Going Down, 12. yago boedo saliendo de la caverna, 13. Humber Bridge_1837, 14. Washers Washers Washers, 15. Sunflower Leaves, 16. I Love You, 17. No Escape, 18. Breakthrough, 19. Hyper protection, 20. 33µ seconds, 21. the forgotten prairie giant, 22. 1993 all american girl, 23. [ ], 24. like the glass i turned your heart into., 25. nothing like this person, un-loveable., 26. and i was thinking of you..., 27. summer., 28. 'horizon' self portrait, 29. sincere imitation, 30. spirited away, 31. Color My Tomatoes, 32. Old B&W, 33. paint me, 34. c a t a r a t a s d e l i g u a z u, 35. Ode to Cartier Bresson, 36. Tahoe Pier

Flickr Faves of the Evening

2007-08-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

Found this fun Flickr mosiac maker...be prepared for lots of these posts!

1. winery courtyard, 2. Hell Yes!, 3. Floating away......., 4. Vários temperos de mim, 5. meshaal al-tnib, 6. Shaped shadow (Formet skygge), 7. too much water, 8. modern perspective, 9. ♥, 10. is there anybody?, 11. reflection, 12. Pioggia a gocce, 13. Asleep on a Train, 14. Blinded By The Light.., 15. breezin', 16. the long road ahead

Post Secret

2007-08-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this girl who doesn't even know I read her, but found her through Mandy, made a post about the post secret mini-movie and reminded me that I wanted to find some music by Sia, the girl who does the amazing song in the mini-movie. BTW, the girl's name is Kendra and she is funny, read her blog!!

So alas, I have downloaded a ton of Sia's music, added her to my Myspace friends and am thoroughly enjoying chilling on the big comfy loveseat, reading blogs and listening to her mellow music...the only thing missing is coffee, time to make some coffee!

Postsecret is one of my absolute favorite blogs, I don't remember how I came across it, but it is now a weekly tradition for me. As an empath I often find myself feeling what I think the author of each post card has felt. I have been contemplating making and sending off a secret of my own, but haven't found the courage yet. Frank, the creator is probably one of my heroes because this site is absolutely amazing! Please, if you have never visited Postsecret, do and check it out! I need to get the books...maybe a trip to B&N this weekend is in order! Meanwhile, here is the video...

Corn, Corn, Beans, Corn

2007-08-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

Well here we are, back in the land of corn and beans. NC was a fun, but exhausting trip, way too much to pack into 2 days and we didn't really get to do anything for us, but we still had fun. I got to finally meet my niece Lydia (Lydie Bug) who is now 10 months old, and boy is she a cutie. Here is a shot of her and Uncle Jamie...
And we hit some wicked bad weather going through Indianapolis which set us behind our ETA home yesterday so unfortunately we didn't get to meet Heather for lunch. But we will get together again really soon!

NC was beautiful as always, I do miss the serenity of the mountains, but I am really glad we don't live there anymore, makes us appreciate the beauty of everything that much more! I forgot my camera everywhere we went, but I did manage to get some pics of Nantahala lake.

It was really nice to see the family and meet Lydia who is an absolute dollbaby! I love her so much, and she absolutely adores her Uncle Jamers!! Had a nice heart to heart with my Mother in law, I feel better about our relationship now than I ever have!

Got to see old friends and catch up with them, which was awesome, I really miss them! Got to visit my favorite scrapbooking store in Franklin, and walked out without buying anything! Go me! Overall, it was a good time, but next time we hope to stay longer!

Now it's back to work and the normal routine of life. And that's ok with me!

Addicted???

2007-08-21T15:02:00.001-07:00

60%

Mingle² - Dating Site

Ahhh, I missed the mocha lattes!!!

2007-08-18T17:51:00.001-07:00

Just popping on to say hi from my fave little coffee shop in NC...having a mocha latte which I missed and listening to live folk music, hanging out with my friends that I haven't seen in ages!

Great trip, but I am missing my family back home and I am not sleeping very well being here! More to come when I get home!!

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

2007-08-13T13:33:00.001-07:00

I can honestly say that I am happier than I think I have ever been in my entire life. Even more so than when Jamie and I first got together. We are doing so wonderful, we have re-captured the core of us and are just really happy and in love. And I think it's better now than it was then because of our history, because we have come through some pretty serious shit, because it isn't that brand new love where everything is a mystery and eventually wears off. Now it's a real and true love, we have almost 5 years together, we know each other inside and out, we know all the faults, all the true colors and we have managed to fall in love with each other all over again. Can it get any better? I kept say I want the old us back, but a better us...and that's what I got. I am so happy and in love right now, I feel like I could literally conquer the world!

Getting a new laptop today...a Sony Vaio, and I can't wait! I can't believe I am straying from Dell, my old tried and true, but I have always wanted a Vaio! So I am sure I will be blogging more since I can do it on the go and from anywhere in the house on a laptop! Yay!

Also, heading down to NC on Friday to visit with the inlaws. I am actually looking forward to the trip, I miss it there and it's been over a year since we have been back there since we moved. Looking forward to visiting our favorite romantic places...sadly we have just a little bit of time, so it's going to be busy busy busy! So next week I should have some pics and stuff to say about the trip.

Also, I am seriously starting another blog with just the stories and events that happen while I am at work. I have decided that it's great material! Drunken woman share lots of stuff, some stuff that you don't want to hear, but you hear it anyway. LOL! I am also like a bathroom therapist at work too, it's crazy. But don't worry, if I do start one, I will never use anyone's real names. LOL! Probably won't use names at all, but the material I get is too good not to share! LOL!

Along with the good, there is also some bad going on around here. Nothing I will be blogging about, but it has been and will be keeping me busy for a while. So while I am really happy right now, there will be days when this shit is affecting me and I won't be so happy, so bear with me and the roller coaster of emotions as my family and I handle the situations being thrown at us.

So that's it for now...my best friends birthday is Wed, and we are going to be getting very intoxicated with some J Biscuits (aka Jager Bombs), so maybe I will drunk blog from my cell that night! LOL!

**The title is from my favorite line of Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, beautiful song, it's my current ringback tone on my phone. LOL!**

Mobile Blogging & Other Stuff

2007-08-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

So in my last entry, I found that mobile blogging works, it's just a royal pain in my ass. But whatever, obviously it didn't impress me too much, I only tested the theory. LOL!

Today I am posting an entry in my wordpress blog directing my 3 readers this way. I haven't done all the fun stuff I would like to do over here yet, but I miss having readers and comments! So hopefully this new home and being back to the blogger which I know, will help me focus on writing more. I have a lot to write about that's for sure, it's just finding the time that sucks. But I will attempt that dear readers!

For now, I think I am going to do something I haven't done in ages, I am going to scrapbook! Got a new challenge thingy I want to participate in! Woot! See ya soon!

Ok I am testing this

2007-07-19T16:36:00.001-07:00

Ok I am testing this whole mobile blogging thing. If it works that would so rock!

Focusing on the Self ~ Originally written 12/02/05

2007-07-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever known just what you want to write about, but you just can’t think of a title for it? That is the predicament I am in at this very moment. So instead of derailing my train of thought by focusing entirely too much on a title, I shall worry about that at the end.

It never ceases to amaze me how well we can understand other people, but how little we can understand ourselves. You would think one would understand themselves better than another because, well it’s who we are. But frankly it doesn’t always work that way. Perhaps that’s why so many seek the comfort of a therapist, because they can help you better understand yourself. Or perhaps that’s why so many actually blog, because it is therapeutic and writing the words that come from your soul seem so easy. Then you get the feedback from your devoted readers, and it makes you better understand yourself and even the world around you.

I am a woman who is very much into what others classify as “New Age Practices”. Yet, when people hear that term, they automatically think it’s some pagan rituals or something of the like. When in fact the things I practice are meditation, self discovery, introspection, and reflection on the past and how it’s made me who I am. Ok, theoretically that is what I am into. Yet ask me how often I take the time to do any of this? Go ahead, ask me! Rarely, if ever. The funny thing about that is, it’s one of the reasons I blog. Yet I never manage to accomplish that. I can’t help it, I am a sarcastic woman and I like to make people laugh.

I can come here, to my sacred place of thoughts and pondering with every intent on some reflection and introspection, but then I don’t want to laden my readers down with what I am sure will bore them to tears. Instead, I make light of life, and yes sometimes I am serious, but never to the point that I want to be. Instead I like to make funny entries that will have you laughing, or so I hope.

So with that being said, I am now going to take some time for me. I am going to write about me, time for a little introspection that will leave me feeling very bared to you all I am sure, and who knows how long I will keep it here, because frankly I hate admitting to my flaws. And part of introspection is to do just that.

These are the things I can admit about myself openly, and believe me, there are more, but I just can’t admit to them here:

I am a huge slacker, it’s insane. I mean come on, I am 26, I need to get on the ball already, but alas, I am a slacker. No, I am sorry, I am not a slacker. That is a term that is used for teenagers, instead I am a procrastinator, of the worst sort. I put things off for as long as possible, and then I feel like a total ass for doing so. I then proceed to mentally beat myself up for not accomplishing the things that I had intended. It’s a vicious cycle that plays out within me damn near on a daily basis. Sadly, I say I will work on this, and then I put that off.

I focus entirely too much on the negative. The term “Don’t sweat the small stuff” doesn’t not apply to me. It should, I know this, but it doesn’t. I sweat it all. I focus on the negative to the point it makes me physically ill most of the time. Fortunately for me, I married a man who can help me not focus on the negative and just live for today. Yet most of the time, deep inside of my soul, I am focusing on the negative. This is again, something I know I should work on, but I don’t. This is how I have been for as long as I can remember.

I am entirely too paranoid. Which leads to the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” syndrome. It seems that no matter how well things are going with people, or events in my life, I am constantly expecting something bad to happen. I don’t know how the people in my life tolerate my constant, “did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?” crap because frankly, I ask those questions entirely too often. I need to accept life as it is, and stop expecting a problem to arise at every turn. If there is going to be a problem, I am sure I will know about it when it’s time. Meanwhile I should enjoy the life I was chosen to lead.

And the last issue I am going to address today, I lack motivation. I have no motivation for anything. When I manage to muster some up, it usually fades in a fairly short amount of time. This is something I really hate about myself. Yet when it comes to changing this….Well frankly I lack the motivation and I procrastinate too much. Ok, that was kind of funny, but I meant it to be serious. This is an area where Jamie and I are bad for each other. Whereas I usually lack all motivation, he has it, then loses it. And we both play into each others’ weakness and then nothing gets accomplished.

These are just a few of the things I really want to change about myself. There are many things that add up to make me very unhappy with who I am. And I know I focus too much on the negative and I know that I have great qualities too, but they just don’t even out with my flaws. I know that I must work on changing who I am as a person if I am ever to be truly happy with myself and my surroundings. So this is something I plan on working on more often.

At least once a week I hope to do an entry like this. I hope that you all don’t mind being my sounding board for this, and that you can give me some feedback. I tend to not see the progress within myself, so hopefully you all can see my progress for me, and remind me of such. Consider yourselves my blogging therapists….Your checks are in the mail. *wink*

**Edited to Add** You all will never know how very difficult this entry was for me to write. Especially because I have a family member that reads me regularly (hi Josh), and I strive for people to have this flawless perception of me. Which I know is stupid, because frankly, none of us are flawless…yet still, I hate to admit to people that I have them. I am not sure that makes any sense…but I had to put that in there.

Why Hello!

2007-07-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

Hi there! Sorry about the lag yet again…trying to get into this whole working 3rd thing, and it’s killing me! So for your view pleasure I am going to revisit one of my favorite entries saved from an old blog in the next entry.

Meanwhile I am considering going back to blogger, wordpress is pissing me off, everyone cool with that? Will you follow me, yet again? Please? LOL!

Be around with comments soon!

More Blog Fun!

2007-07-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

Mandy did it, now I am doing it…I am bored! Four freakin’ posts in a night, wow! I googled “Kell needs” and this is what I need…

to be fed 100 lbs of beef every week (FREAKIN’ GROSS!)
YOUR SUPPORT!!!!
access (to what?)
her hair pulled (eg)
a disclaimer
no introduction
deep punishment (along with her hair pulled? Sorry I am bad tonight)
to be executed, yikes!
love
to be the centerfold…hehe
more bricks!
a weapon
changing, a bath, cuddling, whatever
a moist environment to grow
2 wins

Ok, that was fun…and it kept me occupied for like 5 minutes or so! LOL!

Perma

Benevolent Artist

2007-07-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

I just took this test and found out I am a Benevolent Artist. View my results here and then take it for yourself! It’s actually extremely accurate!!

An Interview!

2007-07-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

01) tell us how you met your husband, fell in love, and decided to marry. i love details!

Good question and one of my favorite stories! Lets see if I can do this without writing a whole entry on this one question…LOL! When I met JD I was actually married to my ex-husband. We were seperated but still living together because financially I wasn’t in a position to move out, and frankly he was abusive and I was scared and didn’t think I had the strength to do it, I had tried so many times prior to this. Well one night one of my online girlfriends had decided to wanted to try the role playing games I was into (not sexual rping! More like magic fantasy type thing, like Harry Potter, LOTR type deal). Well I gave her the rundown on creating your character and into a room we went. And JD and I instantly noticed each other. That night we talked for hours in character as I IMed him out of char to get to know the person behind Dun’arin (char name). It was love at first type I think for both of us, and our characters too! It just took off from there, we still rp’ed occasionally but mostly got to know each other, finally talked on the phone, and fell madly in love. We had realized we met our soulmates in each other! He gave me the strength I needed and the self-confidence I needed to move out of the ex’s and to get my divorce. The day of my divorce he asked me to be his girlfriend, one month later he came to visit me for the first time (he was in NC, I was in IL), a month or so after that came back for another visit bringing half of his belongings and then a month after that came back again for good! We sent letters, boxes full of cute stuff to each other, racked up serious hours on the phone, and fell in love with the distance of 800 miles in between us. We still have all the letters and cards too! Our first Christmas together he proposed to me while I had a mouthful of sausage biscuit LOL! I said yes and laughed and cried at the same time. Meeting and falling in love with him was the best thing that ever happened to me! And someday we are going to write a book together about our characters that we created, so Mandy if we ever do, you are assured a copy! LOL! How was that for detailed??

02) if you were to be in the movie industry, would you be a writer, director, or actress? and why?

Wow, now this requires some thought. I think it would be awesome to write a movie, I don’t think I would want to direct a movie that doesn’t appeal to me, and I would definitely love to act in a movie as everyone has always said what a flair for the dramatics I have!! Hehe!

03) what was the most difficult life experience you have had so far? what have you learned from it?

Honestly there have been so many that I would consider difficult that it’s hard to say just one. But I think that being married to a man that was abusive in every sense of the word and then finally having the strength to walk away taught me that I should never base my self-worth on what another person says I am. For 5 years I thought so little of myself because of him and I had no confidence in anything I did. Still to this day I have residual issues from that. But I have always said if I had to do it over I would go through it all again because I am a stronger person for it, and everything happens for a reason. That 5 years was just part of my broken road to get me to where I am today, and even if I still sometimes regress into my thinking little of myself, I know that I truly am a stronger person for getting out, and not letting someone do that to me again.

04) what would you most like to change about your life this year?

Well, the year is half over, and the first half has been kind of bumpy for JD and I. But things are improving daily, so I think that I am already changing what I would most like to change, as is he. We are improving our marriage, remembering how in love we used to be and getting back to that. I wish there were some hurtful things I could erase to make it easier, but I can’t, so I am working on letting that shit go, as hard as it is to do. I wish I could change my thinking so I didn’t dwell so much and could just forget and forgive and move on. So that’s what I am working on changing!

05) what is your greatest personal strength?

Gosh, I don’t know that I have one of those! LOL! Dang you Mandy…that’s a tough question, especially to ask someone who often refused to see the good in herself!! I had to consult JD on that one and he said my loyalty in friendship. I think I would have to agree with that statement. Except I would also have to disagree. It would be more of a personal strength if I could manage to spread that loyalty out to all of my friends instead of just the ones I see on a daily basis. So it is, but it isn’t as well. And that is actually a little depressing, I think I will be working on changing that as well!

Ok who wants to play? Heather if you don’t ask me for interview questions I will kick your ass btw! LOL, I already know you need blogging material!! Here’s how it works….

1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone
else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be
interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So I says to the guy...

2006-11-15T07:33:00.000-08:00

OUCH! Ok, so that’s a joke around here…it’s actually supposed to go “how’s the weather?”, and we use that to change the subject around here, or just to be silly. But we also have another one….A guy walks into a bar….and then someone replies with ouch! So one day our friend Shawn decides to be funny and when E says “So I says to the guy”, Shawn says “OUCH!”. So now we mix it up between the two of them. It’s rather humourous!

So, today E and I had to run some errands. This that and the other thing, ya know. And we get home and I hear from my bedroom “Don’t come down here baby”. And I think to myself, what the hell is he up to? I thought maybe he was re-arranging the bedroom, he loves to do that. So then E says, that I really can’t go down there (She caught me trying to sneak down there). Well turns out while we were gone my baby got into my scrappiness goodies and made me the most awesome effing card I have ever seen! Seriously, I loved it, it made my whole night! This man has serious scrapping talent, and I freakin’ love it! So I just wanted to share my happiness with my handmade awesome love card from my awesome lover boy! I gots the bestest hubby in da world!

In other news….we are getting ready to do some more PAINTING! Oh yeah baby! I love me some painting parties! LOL! This time we are doing the entry way and the master bathroom. Then after that we are doing the laundry room…but that will be like after Thanksgiving I think. Anyway, the upstairs bathroom doesn’t need painting as it was just done not too long ago, and the living room is already kickass (which I will take pics of, we did that 2 years ago I think…yeah). Then we are also going to do E’s room, our room, and the toy room (which then will be half toy room, half scraproom). So I am sure you will see more pics of our house as the painting gets done!

In the next day or so I will be participating in a little contest that Brandi over at Something New has started. It definitely gets you thinking and as Heather has already shown us, it makes for some amazing writing material! Actually her entry here has already inspired what I am going to write about…so be on the lookout for that in the near future!

Ooooh, tonight, I have to tell you about dessert. I made a no-bake pumpkin cheesecake! It was so good, and I hate pumpkin! I am so proud of that cheesecake, everyone who ever eats it LOOOOOOOVES IT! The recipe can be found here (thanks google). I actually have a Philedelphia Cream Cheese cookbook that I get it from, but I found it online so that you can try it out just in time for the holidays! I’ll be making one for Thanksgiving here and then one for Thanksgiving at my Dad’s house the Sunday after. My Dad loves them, begs me to make them! LOL! It’s good, TRUST ME! And easy to make!

Ok, I am outtie….I need to catch some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ’s, I am tired! And tomorrow I plan on busting out some scrappy creativeness! So, until the next time….be good, and if you can’t be good, be good at it!

Presenting the Kitchen!!

2006-11-14T02:41:00.000-08:00

Here is the kitchen, in all it's glory! We are so proud of this makeover!

And here is a picture of our neighborhood where it's obvious that winter happened literally overnight!!

And our house...

It's Funny Really

2006-11-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

People who project so much anger to the rest of the world, that they can’t even recognize their own anger. It truly does floor me. Then I sit here and I ask myself, what is lacking in their life that they have to be so angry, so hell bent on keeping thier lives miserable. It was said about me that I have an intense rage/anger. That’s funny because I really don’t, and anyone who knows me can attest to that. In all actuallity I am a very easy going, fun-loving person. I often give people the benefit of the doubt, chance after chance, it’s a big part of who I am. However, eventually I am going to stop giving you chance after chance, and then you will see the bitch in me. And sadly for these women who think I am so full of rage, they have brought out the bitch in me. But they are so busy projecting their rage and anger, that they don’t even realize they have it. And then the 3 of them just feed feed feed off each other. It’s humourous really. I almost pity them….almost.

Enough of that…

In my old blog I had written about the kitchen painting party we had here at home…and how awesome the kitchen turned out after we were done with it. I said I would snap some pics and share them and I never did. Well, today I am going to snap those pictures, and then upload them here to share! So be on the lookout for pics of our totally awesome kitchen!

Yeah, I think I’ll go do that now!