And it all comes tumbling down

They say time heals all wounds, and perhaps that is true. But tonight as I sit here and cry, I hope and pray that it doesn't take the rest of my life for time to heal the pain my heart and soul is enduring. I can't endure that much time of this pain. I am not strong enough for all of that. As hard as I try to be strong, tonight I realize that most of it is one big facade. I can't believe that I am even going through this. I can't even believe that this is my life.

Nearly 7 years ago, I met the man I thought was my soul mate. And I gave him my heart. And now he doesn't want it. Yet for some reason I can't take it back. I have tried to think that maybe he never had it, but on nights like tonight, I realize that wherever he is, it's still in his hands. And try as I may to hate him after all that has been said and done. I can't, because deep down inside I know that he truly was my "one". And I know that no matter where I go in life, I will never meet another man that I love half as much as I loved him. And in all that time, I guess he never knew how much I loved him. Or maybe he did, he just quit caring at some point. I wish I would have known...I would have died trying to fix it. I guess nothing is forever, even when we believe with all of heart that it will be.

The day it all ended, I took him to work. Had I known that morning would have been our last kiss, I would have kissed him longer and held him tighter. And the next morning he gave me a hug when he dropped me off, and I was so hurt and angry with him that it was only a half assed hug. I didn't realize he was serious and that would be the last hug I ever got from him. And even still, I long for his hugs, because they always made me feel better when I felt my worst. Like tonight.

And now I have this beautiful baby girl, who is growing up so fast. And she doesn't have her parents together anymore. And tonight we are sitting in the kitchen listening to music and dancing and she points to the window and says "Daddy". And I realize that in someway that she probably doesn't even understand, it hurts her too. She doesn't get to see her Daddy everyday like she used to, and she doesn't even know why.

No matter how hard I try, nothing takes away the pain...

Tears

Do you ever just have a day when you want to cry? That seems to be me a lot these days. There is so much I have gone through in my life, so much I have yet to accomplish and yet things I have accomplished that I never thought would happen. I have a wonderful daughter, a loving husband, ok a pretty shitty job, a good home, and overall a good life. And yet here I sit, a negative nelly. Ok, I am not always like this, but sometimes, more often only in my head, I ponder all the things that make me just want to bawl like a baby. It's pathetic. I am really starting to think I am pathetic. AND YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF??????????? I can't freakin' write anymore! Oh how the words used to flow from my brain to my fingers like fire! And now, it all just sounds so fucking stupid! I miss being able to communicate the way I feel with words, and with poetry. Oh how I used to write so many poems. It was such an outlet for me. I don't know what the problem is, but I just can't seem to find the words I ever want to say anymore. And I have so many jacked up feelings and thoughts in my head!

So since I just can't seem to write for shit these days, I will leave you with one of my absolute most favorite poems I have ever written. I wrote this when I was in a terribly abusive marriage, I was broken, I was lost, and I was alone. And yet, even now when my life is so much more fulfilled it is still something that I can absolutely relate to. Crazy huh?

Slumbering Suicide

Sleep a hard won prize this night
With a heart in turmoil
A mind in a rage
And a body exhausted

Dreams were willed to come
Welcoming sweet fantasy
An abyss of solitude
Among a midnight slumber

But where do you find this
The endless sea of desire
To be known as a hallow ground
Of what can only be dreamt

And when you awake
You find only truths
Known to man as refuge
But seek not these fantasies

When only in sleep
You come to realize
The world awaiting
Is but a dream away

To wake or to sleep
For now or forever
To face these truths
Or live by desire

Only I can tell you
Who I am
By night or by day
When the world slips away

I begin to think I'm crazy
As I yearn for that slumber
Where I can lose myself
Free of reprecussion

But in truth remains
My life in reality
Is but a game
Played by the fool I am

So now I beg of thee
Just let me be
To sleep forever more
In the abyss I've created

©MPD

It's been awhile

I am fairly certain that nobody reads me anymore, and I am fairly certain that I have been so quiet on feeds that I have been removed. But that's ok with me. I remember when blogging used to be one of my top priorities, and now it's something I vaguely think about, and rarely (if ever) actually do. But when I do think about it, I really miss it. Tonight is one of those nights. I miss the friendships I have made, I miss having the time to read through all the entries my friends have written. I miss taking the time to write my thoughts and feelings in my little place where it's more than ok to be myself. I miss my blog. And I would like to say that I am going to find the time to do these things, but I don't think that I will. Unfortunately, time is something I don't have a lot of in my life anymore. But that's ok too, at least it's filled with something wonderful! However, I do want to try to write in here more than every few months!

I guess what I am saying, and don't hold me to it, is that I am setting a goal for myself. To at the very least, attempt a couple of entries a month. And hopefully to keep on on the happenings of my friends through thier blogs! So wish me luck on that!

On Friday we are flying down to NC. I am looking forward to being in the mountains, and hopefully finding some time to reflect, and think. Franklin has a way of doing that to me. Going up to Wayah, and looking out over the world (at least that's how it feels when you are up there), and just feeling refreshed. That's the best part of Wayah, when you get to the top of that fire tower, something inside you just lets go of the negative and you are just overcome with such an amazing awe and peace. I can't wait to feel like that again! It gives me a feeling like I have never felt before when I am up there. And then getting to go up the Gorge. The waterfalls are so damn beautiful, and it's relaxing and energizing all at the same time. The rush of the water on the rocks, standing behind Dry Falls and watching the water fall fast and furiously to the river below. I am looking forward to the awe I will feel being back there in such a beautiful place. And getting to share it with my daughter. I think she will really enjoy it!

Hopefully it will inspire a great post when I get back! Or if my FAVORITE COFFEE SHOP EVER is till open, perhaps Jamie will watch Boog for a bit so I can get a Mocha Latte and just write my little heart out while listening to whatever live music is playing at the time! Gosh, I really hope Rathskellers is still open!

So there is my goal, and hopefully next week will be inspiring me towards it more! Until then, toodles!

My Life

My life consists of dirty diapers, made up songs about putting PJ's on, catching her when she falls, reading board books, and a million other Mommy things I have to do. And I love every second of it! Daelyn is about to turn a year old, can you believe that? She walks now...WALKING! Everything has flown by in the past year and I am happy and sad all at the same time!

My life changed so much when I found out I was pregnant! And it changed even more when this perfect little angel came into my life and I was able to hold her and teach her. It's so amazing to TEACH your CHILD things! I teach kids...it's what I do...but to teach MY CHILD. There is NOTHING more amazing than that!

I am so enthralled with my life as a Mother...I wouldn't trade this for the world!

Happy New Year Folks!

Well in case anyone was wondering, I am still very much alive! Yay for that, right? Sorry I am never around anymore...not only here, but at your blogs as well. I guess in the past 8 months I just haven't had the time. With work, life and of course my beautiful babygirl taking up my time...I just don't get on the computer much! I check myspace and email via my cell most of the time, and that's on my break at work. LOL!

Things are WONDERFUL in my life still! Daelyn is growing like a weed! I can't believe my baby is 8 months old...it still feels like yesterday that she was born. She amazes me everyday, I am not even kidding. Being a Mom is the thing I was meant for. I love my daughter more than anything in the entire universe! And she is starting to learn so much, the only word for it is amazing! I taught her how to clap last night, do you know how freakin' awesome that is? I taught MY DAUGHTER how to do SOMETHING! Ok, I have taught her how to wave too...but the clapping thing, it was much harder for her to get....and I taught her that! It's like my life is consumed by that little girl, and you know what? I am just fine with that. I am ok with being the kind of Mom who is always talking about and bragging about her child. She's my miracle baby, I never thought I was going to have a baby, and here I am as a Mommy! So yeah...Daelyn consumes my life, and she's most of what I talk about these days...even here in my blog. Hope that's ok!

I do want to do a really good post soon, and maybe when Jamie is in SC for work, YET AGAIN, in 2 weeks I will do that. Get my boog to sleep and just sit down and let it flow. Sounds like a plan. So until then, I hope you are all well, and I hope you all have the best that 2009 will bring!

Six Months

It does not cease to amaze me everyday how 6 months can fly by right before your eyes. As my daughter has gone from a helpless newborn into a 6 month old, I realized that the moments we have had for the past 6 months have truly flown by. She went from sleeping all curled up on Mommy's chest to sitting up all by herself, talking up a storm, and becoming Lil Miss Independent! My baby is growing up so fast, and already at 6 months, I am just not ready for it! I realized that in less than 6 months my daughter will be a year old, walking, talking and becoming really independent!! But I got to admit, I love that my baby is developing such a personality, she is so amazing! And I love that she loves to play with me, and reaches up for me when I walk into a room, and that she is just growing into such an amazing little girl!

There is so much more I want to say...and I hope to get a moment to do so soon...but for now it's time to get my little Boog all snug as a bug and ready for bed! And my laptop is about to die. But I will leave you with this...my baby at exactly 6 months...

Dusting off the cobwebs....

See that beautiful face right there? That is my reason for living!! There is nothing more amazing in this world than being her Mommy!! Isn't she absolutely beautiful? I know I am partial because I am her Mommy, but I just can't help it!! This little girl amazes me absolutely every single day! I can't believe my baby is already 3 months old! I wish you guys could see her, she laughs, she smiles, she tries to talk, she tries to sit up, she's so smart and she's going to blow us away for the rest of our lives, I can tell you that right now! This little girl was born with so much personality, and everyday it shines through more and more!! Her eyes...they are so beautiful, in the sunlight they almost look purple! I just can't help raving about this little girl, I love her so much!

If there is any one accomplishment I ever want to make in this world, it's to be the best Mom ever!! She is so important to me, I never knew how wonderful life could be until she was born. It makes everything else seem so beautiful and wonderful, not just her!

Things here are good, as if you can't tell...how could they not be good with that face to look at everyday!! Anyway, Daelyn turned 3 months on August 1st. I have been working since she was 6 weeks, but only part time, I go back full time tomorrow. I am not looking forward to that, I love my afternoons with Daelyn. That's our Mommy and Me time. I am going to miss that like crazy!

Jamie is an amazing father!! I don't know whose eyes light up more when they are playing together, his or hers. She is definitely a well loved baby!

Everything is going really well in life right now. Jamie may have to go to SC again next month, and I am really bummed about that. But other than that, life is good. I don't really have much to blog about, unless it's about Daelyn because she is my whole world right now!! I don't know what else to talk about but her! =)

Hope you are all well (provided anyone even comes here anymore! LOL!) and I hope to update you all again soon!